Captain Poopey's NTBG-TNG

Any porn that isn't military grade porn

2011-03-18T07:24:00.003+11:00

This porn must be the best porn, like, ever!

Ten-HUT!! (fap fap fap) SIR YES SIR!!!

Gaaaaaaaarn.

Tankard rating: Six tankards worked into a lather.

Major Fappage has taken control...

Tribal tattoos

2011-03-16T07:23:00.003+11:00

Seth is a lifetime member of the 'hello kitty' tribe. You ought to see the chief's tatts.

Tankard rating: Four tankards I've been keeping in my 'hello kitty' back pack.

Tish! Ow! Meow! (garn)

TV networks who send their news readers to disaster areas

2011-03-14T07:14:00.004+11:00

Sunday morning, Natalie Barr from 7 was in Tokyo reporting the terrible earthquake/tsunami situation. And complaining that her crew could not organise someone they refer to as a 'fixer', a hired local person who assists foreign reporters and camera crew with translation and transport problems. They tried twenty people, none of which were keen to drive north to the (let's face it, probably highly radioactive) quake/tsunami destroyed area. So Channel 7's people could stand there and tell us how bad things are fucked up. WTF? Aren't the alarm bells ringing people?

Thanks to our media's incomprehensible need to send their gun desk jockey news readers into the thick of these events we get to see Leila 'Goony-eye' McKinnon sailing a dingy through flood-ravaged QLD wearing a cocktail dress. And we get to see Peter Overton standing around making Christchurch look untidy. Haven't the locals suffered enough? How does having the talking heads normally seated behind the news desk actually at the site make for better reporting? And how come they never send Skeletor? She looks like she's already suffering from radiation exposure I guess...

Tankard rating: One 8.6 tankard causing atomic mayhem

Let the locals do the reporting, there's less people for the authorities to worry about then, duh. Gaarn.

Pauline Hansons's tits

2011-03-09T07:27:00.002+11:00

And I thought they'd fucked off to England. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

Glass rating: Four bottles of 2% milk

Watered down and largely irrelevant.

Gaaarn.

Pensioners on gophers

2011-03-07T07:24:00.003+11:00

No, not this type of gopher. I like this one.

This version. The type that's coming straight at you on the wrong side of the road and not looking because how could the old coot possibly be able to see through those welding goggle cataract sunglasses he's wearing? Sure, I'm gonna be an old cunt one day too, but I'll have the good sense not to drive around suburban streets at my gopher's top speed straight through intersections, into oncoming traffic, or through unlit underground carparks. What a fucking menace. And it's my fault if they get hit! Bull-shit.

Tankard rating: Six geriatric ward tankards

Stay in the RSL you silly old farts.

Gnaarrrrrrr.

Having to spell out the bleeding obvious

2011-03-04T07:23:00.004+11:00

Maybe?

I'm more concerned about the statistics for people who don't wash handies after going pooh-poohs. Or those who pick their nose then use your mouse and keyboard. Come to think of it I'm buying a box of this shit, stat.

Tankard rating: Six sterilised surgical steel tankards

Have a wonderful Mardi Gras weekend people and don't forget there's always time for lubricant. Garn.

Cybersex voyeurs

2011-03-02T07:25:00.003+11:00

We've all been there, enjoying great cyberspace doggystylin' with some dirty cyberwench. But Ralph refuses to leave. Damn you Ralph, you're putting me off. God I wish I'd installed a windshield wiper on my monitor...

Tankard rating: Three cyber tankards

Pity Ralph's drained the contents. Garrn.

The Carbon Tax

2011-02-28T07:15:00.003+11:00

Take a good long look at the fuckwits in the picture above. They're in charge of our country! And while everyone is distracted by the terrible things going on in NZ they have the gall to pull another new tax out of the hat. Once again, instead of managing the economy properly it's easier to just grab more cash out of the little guy's pockets.

Once a carbon tax is introduced we'll be paying more not just for 'lectricity and petrol, but anything that is produced or delivered which uses these necessary commodities. All in the name of saving the planet? We'll still be shipping millions of tonnes of coal off to China cheaper than what we pay for it here, and it's our fucking coal. Did anyone really think that backstabbing woman would keep any of her promises while finding herself in bed with a gay Green man? We honestly must deserve the government we get here in 'Straya, will we ever learn?

Tankard rating: One nuclear future tankard

So angry right now - grrrrr (gaarrrn)

Family gatherings involving nudist parents

2011-02-25T07:30:00.003+11:00

The 1960's gave the world some awesome things, in no particular order:

Jimi Hendrix
LSD (but not the brown acid)
The Beatles
The Apollo Programme
Monty Python's Flying Circus
The Pill
Free pre-AIDS love baby yeah!

However, anyone stuck with parents who haven't given up on the whole naturism thing would probably disagree strongly, especially those with folks who abuse bananas in the fashion pictured above. Little Sally is now scarred for life. Put it away!!

Tankard rating: Six saggy tankards

Not enough beer in the world to help with this situation...

Gnaaarrrrrr.

Fake celebrity deaths

2011-02-23T07:18:00.002+11:00

Elvis Presley is claimed to have passed away in 1979, but has been sighted many times since in 7/11s all around the globe. And now this week, Libya is in the news - and who has assumed leadership of the country? Kudos to Michael Jackson for escaping those annoying paedo accusations and starting afresh as a middle eastern dictator. It all makes sense, remember when Jacko had that 100 foot tall statue of himself made and floated up a river? Only dictators have 100 foot statues made of themselves. No wonder the people of Libya are revolting (I'm sure they smell quite nice though).

Tankard rating: Five 'Spirit of Mussolini' tankards

Shamon-ah! Gaaarn.

People who still wear those Power Balance bands

2011-02-21T07:20:00.003+11:00

I saw some dude at the bus stop this morning still wearing one of these, he must have missed the news that day when the scamming creators of the bands could not produce a shred of scientific evidence to prove a 15mm diameter hologram could actually 'align frequencies within the body' and increase performance. Wonder if it's still working for Brendan? He's put in a few noteworthy performances lately...

Glass rating: Ten fully loaded salvia bongs

Ahh, that's better... gaaaarrrn (weeeee!!!)

Drunk friends with access to cellotape

2011-02-18T07:16:00.003+11:00

This was the last time Sue left a tape dispenser lying around at a party. On the bright side though, at least she did not end up a bukkake target. What a great name for a band that would be, 'Bukkake Target'. Wow, and there's my thought for the day all used up.

Tankard rating: A 'party of two' tankards

Have a fine weekend people - gaaaarn.

Gangs of squirrels disguised as coconuts

2011-02-15T07:26:00.003+11:00

Coming to a Westfields near you, out of control squirrels who steal your kid's designer sneakers and shiny new iPhones. Not to be confused with the non-gang squirrels, these particular squirrels are easily recognised courtesy of the coconut helmets that they cannot remove following the gang initiation. Not so clever now huh Mr Squirrel??

Tankard rating: Three 'I'm an individual, I'll join a ragtag gang of fuckwit losers and hang out at Westfields' tankards.

Another dose of National Service please. Gaarn.

Your ice skating partner suddenly turning gay

2011-02-10T07:24:00.003+11:00

Trevor never knew that Quan was gay, but he sure does now. Those lycra pants aren't cheap either. Here's hoping that Trevor's mum has a Whirlpool.

Glass rating: Four bottles of full cream milk

Ass-capades anyone?? Gaaaarn.

Self portraits involving chocolate sauce

2011-02-08T07:28:00.003+11:00

Damn nigga, y'all ain't no vanilla ice cream yo! Nice Smurf beanie though.

Tankard rating: Three Wendys tankards.

There's a special on this week, honestly. Check it out, go to Wendys and ask for a triple choc nut tankard. Let me know what happens ok? Gnnaaarrrr.

Village People's 'New Romantic' period

2011-02-04T07:24:00.003+11:00

When disco died a horrible death, The Village People went all 'New Romantic' with hilarious results. But where is the construction worker? And as for their claims that 'You Can't Stop the Music' - true or false?? Hmmm...

Tankard rating: Five tankards wearing pleather chaps

You Can't Stop the Chafing. Gaaaaarrrn.

Cats that think 'outside the box'

2011-02-02T07:27:00.003+11:00

As you all know, I can relate to this photo. Our cat Floyd (AKA Mr. Stinky) likes to surprise us occasionally by thinking outside the box, even when there is fresh 'n crunchy litter to be enjoyed. Assuming of course that cats 'enjoy' kitty litter, you know what I mean. Geez this post isn't going very well. What a stinker...

There's nothing I love more each morning than dragging my sorry carcass to the kitchen to chug down my morning cereal, and opening up the door to the back room to find a fresh steaming and uncovered cat turd. It must be Floyd's way of saying 'good morning sunshine'. And 'where's my fucking breakfast pal, I just made room.' Ew.

Tankard rating: Six nasal assault tankards

I'd prefer the smell of napalm in the morning.

Gaaarn.

People who need to count their fingers to see if they're eligible to use the Coles express check-out

2011-01-31T07:35:00.003+11:00

Society. Let's keep dumbing it down even more...

Anyone caught with 16 or more items should be automatically tazered and locked into a set of newly fitted stocks in the fruit & veg section so other customers can throw dodgey tomatoes at them. That'll learn 'em!

Tankard rating: One atomic tankard

Is that blood or tomato juice? Meh.

People who make cucumbers in 'Do Not Make Cucumber' areas

2011-01-27T07:16:00.003+11:00

The gross irresponsibility of these people is reprehensible. Imagine making cucumbers where it's clearly signposted not to. Outrageous!

In other news, WTF?

Tankard rating: Three cucumber patch tankards

Cucumber sandwiches anyone? Garrn.

People who spread peanut butter on their kids heads at the zoo

2011-01-21T07:17:00.002+11:00

Naughty naughty - this is bad parenting. Fun, yes, but bad. But fun.

Tankard rating: Three 'inevitable visit from DOCS' tankards.

I'm told 'crunchy' is more effective than 'smooth'. Garrrrn.

People on MySpace who think they're hot

2011-01-19T07:15:00.004+11:00

Might be time to update that status to 'fat skank'.

Tankard rating: Six rotund tankards

Even six beer goggles wouldn't help with this...

Gaarn.

The makers of 'Off' repellent

2011-01-14T07:20:00.004+11:00

I'm unhappy their marketing department didn't have the balls to use their original concept and label all their products as 'Fuck Off!'

I hope they send a fuckload of this stuff to those poor bastards in QLD, they're gonna need it.

On that note, hey 'Prime Minister':

a) All foreign aid should now go to Queensland until things are back to normal and everyone has a home again.

b) All defence force personnel should be brought home to help build all those new homes and get the place cleaned up and working again.

c) Any more media reporters using the term 'ground zero' with regard to a flood event should be taken away and sat on a live grenade so as to reinforce the true meaning of 'ground zero' which "describes the point on the Earth's surface closest to an explosives detonation". These drama queen parasites should all be rogered by a horny Clydesdale.

d) Any insurance companies found pointing their customers at 'the fine print' should be similarly rogered by a stable of horny Clydesdale horses. Yes, I realise these silly buggers built houses on a flood plain that did the same thing thirty years ago but geez, have a heart ya cunts.

Sorry, we had to say something about all this didn't we?

Tankard rating: Four 'Queenslander' tankards

They're up on stilts - get it? Yeah, that was lame...

Send some money if you can people. Gaaarn.

People who stand at crossings and press the button two thousand times

2011-01-12T07:24:00.003+11:00

I'm no electrical engineer, but if I had to make an edumacated guess:

a) Traffic lights are controlled by digital timing circuity.
b) The button is attached via two wires to a control box.
c) When you press the button, the control box registers that there is someone wanting to cross the road and trips a relay or timing circuit.
d) The control box only needs to know this once.
e) When the sequence is done and the time is right, the lights will change.

It doesn't matter if you hit the fucking button a million times like a speed-addled junkie in a hurry to meet his dealer (across the road naturally), one press will have the desired result. People that do this need to be butt raped by an African elephant.

Tankard rating: Four jay walking tankards

Patience is a virtue people! Gnaar.

Twitter

2011-01-10T07:14:00.003+11:00

Do people really need to know the minutiae of other people's day to day lives? Hey, check it out, Ashton Kutcher just ate a ham sandwich for lunch! Wow, Kyle Sandilands just ran over a cripple who dared park too close to a handicapped spot! Ian Thorpe just came all over his boyfriend's back. Huh? Oh, my bad. He's making a come-back. What was I thinking?

Maybe I should get with the times. Someone please tweet the deets.

Tankard rating: Six 'celebrity' tweeting tankards

Tweet these ya useless famewhores!

Gaaarn.

Merry Christmas from Captain Poopey!

2010-12-24T07:13:00.002+11:00

Holy shit it's Christmas again! And your favourite Captain is here to give you all a beercan filled giant virtual tankard of Christmas joy! My generosity is only matched by my L337 paintshop skillz!!

Thank you to you all, Mrs Poopey and I hope that you all have a safe enjoyable and above all Happy Christmas. Especially Corym who will be slaving away at work while the rest of us regret chowing down on that third piece of pudding (burp). Always leave it at two I say.

I'm off for a few days but will be back swabbing the poopdeck before you know it. Peace love and mungbeans from C.P. XXX OOO XXX

'Celebrity' chefs

2010-12-22T07:22:00.004+11:00

I just want chefs to cook my food, not to take up half the programming on my TV channels. Especially the rude and nasty ones. Basically all of the smug prats that feel compelled to impress the world with their take on an omelette or some other basic shite your mum used to make.

Except Nigella Lawson. I would totally bang Nigella, preferably when she's bent over inside the fridge door chowing down on a midnight snack. Oops, is that mayonnaise Nigella? Sorry. Gaaarn.

Tankard rating: Six dishwasher safe tankards

Please, no more MasterChef or fat cunts wearing cravats.

I've seen enough. Gnaar.

Nigel No-Mates Tours

2010-12-17T07:21:00.003+11:00

The only tour company in the world that sends you on your own to all the great tourist destinations. Don't forget your telescopic camera stick!

Tankard rating: One is the loneliest tankard that you'll ever drink.

Awwwww... Garn.

School funding

2010-12-15T07:25:00.003+11:00

Due to budgetary issues, Timmy was the only one on the team provided with the flamboyant pink tiger print leotard. Boy are his mates jealous. Come on Julia Gulia, give these kids some money for leotards now, it's Christmas!

Tankard rating: Four pyramid formation tankards

The Indonesians won't miss the money, honest.

People who don't wash their hands before raiding the cookie jar

2010-12-13T10:34:00.003+11:00

'What are you doing in there Geoffrey?'

I haven't seen Sesame Street for a long time but if Cookie Monster is turning kids into fat little homie wannabes I'm kinda worried...

Tankard rating: Three stout little tankards

Put the cookie jar down Geoffrey. Garn.

People who leave upturned spoons in the sink

2010-12-09T07:22:00.003+11:00

'For I did turneth on the tap,
To find, verily, unexpectedly afflicted by a wet crotched pantaloon affliction,
For sooth, 'tis the littlest things in life doth shitteth one so.'

- William Poopspeare, The Canterbury Alehouse Tankard Sonnets, 1602.

Even in the modern era, Poopspeare's day-to-day issues ring true. Because Mrs Poopey just loves to leave teaspoons in the sink. Upturned. And directly below the outlet. Grrrrrrrrr.

Tankard rating: Five tudor leather tankards

Poopey doth protest too much, methinks. Garn.

Everything happening in this photo

2010-12-07T07:18:00.003+11:00

Red rocket?

Tankard rating: Three large vet bill tankards.

Time for the snip Rufus!

Nine news

2010-12-03T07:15:00.003+11:00

Wow Channel Nine, you got a shot of Kylie Minogue appearing on Hey Hey in one of your own studios. So in the usual desperation to appear as some sort of 'news leader' you have to put a ridiculous 'first on nine news' banner right across the fucking middle of the picture.

Here's an idea, if you want people to care, let alone be able to see whatever lame 'exclusive' pictures you've obtained (ooh look, Nine had a telephoto lens set up outside the airport fence and got a shakey shot of Greg Norman, wow), then don't insert the stupid banner and call it news. It's retarded. And we don't care. So fuck off.

Tankard rating: 11 'first from the poopdeck' tankards

One extra for Peter Overton. Grrrrrr.

Simians that pull hot chicks

2010-12-01T07:23:00.004+11:00

This monkey is grabbing approximately 1000% more tit than I am right now, so:

Tankard rating: Four stacked tankards

How do you do it Bubbles? You bastard!

Gaarn.

People with two heads

2010-11-29T10:51:00.003+11:00

Now's your chance to give me any good reasons why people with two heads should be allowed to live.

And no, a double head job is not an acceptable excuse, m'kay.

Tankard rating: Tankard quantity divisible by two, naturally.

Are two heads better than one? Gnaaaarrrr.

Gay reunions

2010-11-26T07:16:00.003+11:00

(subtitled: 'up the arse')

Does the world really need another Take That album?

Tankard rating: Five rough trade leather tankards

I'm sure Robbie's just 'doing it for the kids'. Riiiiiight.

Gnaaar.

Coons stealing my pussy

2010-11-24T07:24:00.002+11:00

'Three more 'coons and it's a gangbang baby!'

Tankard rating: Three non derogatory tankards

What is The Coon?

The urban fashion section in the Sunday paper

2010-11-16T09:23:00.006+11:00

Grocery shopping has never been gayer.

Tankard rating: Five fashionable hand-tooled leather tankards.

Suitable for either around the house or at the supermarket piffing.

Gaaaarn.

Giving Indonesia more money

2010-11-03T07:30:00.003+11:00

So let me get this straight: Gillard is giving these muslim cunts who hate us and want to see us burn at the gates of hell for being scum sucking infidels an extra 500 million of our taxpayer dollars, for what, let's face it, is the safe return of bogan pin-up girl Schapelle Corby? On top of the billions we already send them each year. WHAT THE FUCK?

Tankard rating: Eleven 'bambang to the head' tankards

And there's people living on the streets here. You should be ashamed Julia Gulia. Ashamed.

Halloween (in Australia)

2010-10-28T07:23:00.004+11:00

Halloween. It's being marketed here in Oz more and more each year, just take a walk past any one of the fifteen 2 dollar shops in your local Westfields, see what I mean? As if our overentitled kids need another reason to badger their inabsentia parents for more money.

So what's the next Americanism we're going to take on next? Groundhog Day? I might go find an echidna and dress it up for fun. Woot!

Tankard rating: Four spookily empty tankards.

They were full an hour ago, that's weird... Garn.

Gay hobbies

2010-10-26T07:22:00.007+11:00

How was your weekend?

Glass rating: Four vials of Infinite Poofdom

Extra points for those bitchin' ears dude.

Those GORD ads

2010-10-22T07:25:00.003+11:00

I get GORD (or at least what feels like GORD) everytime that fucking woman comes on the telly (during mealtimes, nom nom) to inform us that G.O.R.D. is a real phenomena and that I should take it seriously.

Captain Poopey is filming his own annoying ad campaign to publicise our new action group, which will be known as P.O.C.A.F.A.C. (Pissed Off Consumers Against Fucking Annoying Commercials). Look out Sally Williams, Poopey's coming! Gaaaaaarn.

Tankard rating: Six Demtel tankards

Call now and get the seventh one free!

Gnnaaarrrr.

People who want to ban the burqa

2010-10-21T07:27:00.003+11:00

To all those do-gooding libertarians out there trying to liberate the oppressed muslim women from their male-imposed fabric prison: there's a good reason to keep letting these women wearing their burqas, because it's fugly under there. And probably hairy too.

Their husbands are actually doing the wider community a service. Thanks fellas!

Tankard rating: Three non-alcoholic Claytons tankards

How about giving them free deodorant instead? Lovely.

Julia Gillard's Hands

2010-10-19T07:19:00.006+11:00

#1: Shut up, oim talking...

#2: Everybody, hands on heads. Oim talking...

#3: Seig Heil! I'm the fuhrer now bitches!

If I see this patronising bitch's hands on another tedious media report, my soon to be unaffordable to use plasma telly is gonna cop a reflex boot through it's screen. Is she half Italian? Why the fuck does she have to make such stupid fucking hand gestures all the time. And talk so slowly. If she wants to be a primary school head mistress, then why doesn't she just fuck off and be one. She's no Prime Minister, that's for damn sure. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Glass rating: Ten items of ginger lesbian seeking glassware.

How the fuck did this happen? Australia??

The Catholic Church

2010-10-18T07:16:00.004+11:00

Nice work there taking the focus off all of the kiddyfiddling priests.

If God gives someone cancer, then that person is cured by praying to Mary MacKillop, didn't God cure the cancer? And what sort of fucking awesome deity gives someone cancer for a bit of a lark? 'Ho ho ho, just kidding! Here, have a few more years mate.' What a crock of shite.

Tankard rating: One wrath of God atomic tankard

Hell ain't a bad place to be. Gaarn.

Modern day playgrounds

2010-10-11T07:26:00.003+11:00

Next time you're walking the dog, take a peep at the play equipment installed in your local park for the kids to play on. Chances are the swings, monkey bars and slides have been replaced with 200 square meters of wood chips and very little else. 'Cause we don't want any of today's little tackers getting hurt now do we?

I much prefer the playgrounds we had in the 70's, like the one pictured above. And we didn't have Pepsi Max to slam while we were doing our own stunts either. No wonder Generation X is so fucking awesome!

Glass rating: Four milkman-delivered pints of milk

For growing bones. Gaaarn.

Evony

2010-10-07T07:21:00.006+11:00

It matters not which dodgy corner of the internet you're surfing these days, whether it's for pr0n, torrents, or any number of the squillions of pages out there. You will see these pop-up ads for Evony, a knock-off version of Civilization, which is a 'real time strategy' game. Sure, it's free to play. But to get ahead in the game players are offered the option of spending their real world hard earned cash to buy in-game credits. Are people really this stupid? Yes, by golly they are!

What's worse is that if you'd jumped in expecting to encounter hot bitches just like the ones in the pop-ups, you're gonna be really really disappointed...

Behold! The Queen of Evony! Surely thoust doth jest my liege?

Tankard rating: Five tudor leather smiting tankards.

Come glass my Lord, tishy tish!

Dilemmas involving adopting a 'Neville'

2010-10-05T07:15:00.008+11:00

I had to wait three months for my Neville to arrive at the garden centre (that's him at the front before we split up the tribe), but it was so worth the wait. The problem these days is that if I install him in the front yard there's bound to be some sort of council law banning concrete aborigines and I'll have to hand over the land to it's original owners. Or at least make sure anyone visiting Chez Poops is standing up and promises to recognise the land's original owners every time they come round for a cup of tea.

We decided to place him in the back yard, beneath a lovely grevillea. At least until we decide where he should really be. Should I feel guilty placing Neville in the front yard for the whole neighbourhood to enjoy? Would Neville be in danger of vandalism? Should we have bought him a Noelene to keep him company? Should I buy a Kingswood now? Your thoughts please...

Dilemma rating: Two casks of goon

Leave your money on the fridge woggo!

DIY Christmas Cards

2010-10-01T07:21:00.004+10:00

Sure hope I don't get one of these this year! Aiiiieeeeeeeee!!!

Tankard rating: Three well-formed ceramic tankards

'Tis the season to be glassing. Gnaar.

The cunt who 'delivers' our local newspaper

2010-09-29T07:29:00.004+10:00

This is our letter box. Note the spiffy tube attachment, you know, for newpapers, magazines, that sort of thing.

Quite why the lazy prick who delivers our local rag every week, twice a week, has to chuck our paper out front on the footpath, three meters from our spiffy letter box tube attachment is fucking beyond me. It's not just Chez Poops either, the whole street enjoys this lackluster delivery technique. And guess which is wetter on a rainy day, the footpath or the spiffy tube attachment? There's nothing like coming home to a rolled up tube of inky pulp.

If you're paid to do a delivery job, do the job properly. It's not fucking hard is it?

Glass rating: Eleven items of random glassware.

Think global, glass local.

Engrish: Part MMCXXVII

2010-09-27T07:23:00.003+10:00

Apart from the fact that they've got my name all wrong, I'm not sure I'd want to be connocted anyways. Unless connocting involves a gorgeous and huge breasted asian chick. Then I'm more than willing to be connocted. Garrrrn.

Tankard rating: Three engrish-seeking tankards

Bonzai! Gnaar.

The 2010 Commonwealth Games

2010-09-23T07:23:00.006+10:00

Please note that the tripod this camera is mounted on has not been tilted.

What would we expect when one of the organisers of this shemozzle is a certain Sheila Dikshit. I'm not even kidding, check this out!

If the sewage bubbling up through the showers doesn't kill the athletes the bombings probably will. Unless the local terrorists are as inept as the local builders. They're probably the same people anyway.

Hoo boy, this should be fun to watch!

Tankard rating: 11 bungled tankards

It's probably not too late to fly everyone to Sydney, we have an empty stadium still sitting there doing fuck all. Gaaarn.

Rob Oakeshott

2010-09-22T07:18:00.003+10:00

People actually voted for this guy? I've only been aware of his existence for six weeks and never want to see his gormless countenance ever again.

Tankard rating: Five tool seeking tankards (in kinky leather)

Enjoy it while it lasts Oakeshott. Gaarn.

Pregnant Hooters waitresses

2010-09-20T07:27:00.003+10:00

Pregnant women are creepy. Hot knocked-up honeys serving you food doubly so. It's bad enough when you find that you've lowered your tone enough to go eat at Hooters to ogle slappers, and then, BAM!, there's this to deal with. I'm having enough trouble with what to choose from the menu darling, get that thing outta my face!

Tankard rating: Two big jugs.

Refill here please! garn.

Allocated seating at Cinemas

2010-09-16T07:23:00.002+10:00

Oxygen! Need oxygene!! Help! (help...)

Tankard rating: Four shoehorn tankards

Can't wait for those summer blockbusters (seatbusters?)

Lazy pigeons

2010-09-14T07:27:00.003+10:00

Right now this pigeon is probably on the dole, sitting at home playing Xbox. Sure, there isn't as much courier work going for a motivated pigeon these days, but there's no excuse for not contributing to society. There's still plenty of statues and clean cars to poop on out there, so if you see one of these lazy pigeons, please point them in that direction. Every little bit helps.

Glass rating: Three glass chickens

What a fowl start to the week. Will do better next time.

Overtight lycra cycling pants

2010-09-10T07:23:00.003+10:00

This simply has got to be painful. She is kinda cute though, hope he's got a puncture kit handy...

Glass rating: Two glasses of cabernet for the road

Have a good weekend people. Gnaar.

Japan's Funniest Home Videos

2010-09-08T07:24:00.004+10:00

Sure, they build some awesome Handicams, but what's going on here people?

And why haven't I seen this kind of thing Saturday night on Nine, between the other fifty-seven videos of kids vomiting snot or running around the pool naked (Australia's Funniest Home Videos is Pedobear approved apparently. Note to Nine: We don't think high velocity snot, let alone during dinner time, is at all 'funny', it's fucking disgusting - please stop it).

Thanks Corym for the tipoff.

Tankard rating: Three easily sterilised steel tankards

Hey, I got through a post without mentioning bukkake! Oops.

Self portraits

2010-09-06T07:26:00.004+10:00

I'm with Corym on this one, self portraits are complete wank. Why not give the tripod a rest and a budding photographer a break!

Tankard rating: Four well composed tankards

F-stop this motherfuckers! Garn.

Inconvieniently placed toilet paper

2010-09-03T07:20:00.003+10:00

I suppose the only thing worse than inconveniently placed toilet paper is no toilet paper at all. If you've just taken a dump here and feel like looking on the bright side.

Tankard rating: Three Royal Doulton ceramic tankards

Yoga skills finally come in handy. Garn.

Drop bears

2010-09-01T07:20:00.002+10:00

Luckily, these workers knew of the danger and had their hard hats at the ready.

Drop bears - be Alert, not Alarmed.

Tankard rating: Three tankards of mead.

Mead. Made from bear-attracting honey. Be careful!

Ben Cousins' Message to The Kids

2010-08-30T07:20:00.004+10:00

Take as much as you want, when you want, you'll still be a champion and the bosses will always give you another chance no worries. Fuck Yeah!!

Whaddya reckon Festy?

Tankard rating: Three AFL tankard trophy bongs, packed with elbow.

Rock 'n roll baby, rock n' roll.

Aboriginal Art

2010-08-26T07:22:00.003+10:00

Making rich white people feel good about themselves for forty years.

Tankard rating: Four dry community tankards

Are you seeing spots before your eyes? That's aboriginal art!

Kiesha's parents/step parents

2010-08-24T07:15:00.003+10:00

Look, I wasn't gonna get stuck into these bogans until the media frenzy died down and some rational explanation came to light on the little girl's disappearance, but what the hey, now the papers are claiming these two were accepting payments in the weeks leading up to the girl going missing. Did they sell her off for Winnie Blues money? Did mullet man see a tempting '91 Commodore station wagon in the Trading Post? Some people just shouldn't be allowed to have kids.

This is your baby bonus at work Costello, I hope you're happy now you smirking twit.

Tankard rating: 11 mullet seeking tankards

Time to fess up people...

These pricks:

2010-08-20T06:52:00.003+10:00

I'm gonna kill the next jackass who fires up his sudsey-wudsey windscreen washers at 80kph when I'm right behind him driving into the sunset. You know the ones, driving their BMW X5's to their next house auction/inspection. Too busy to grab a safety pin and take the two minutes necessary to adjust the spray nozzles down where they're supposed to spray, not straight over the fucking car roof. Onto my lovely clean windscreen I washed the day before. Cunts!

Tankard rating: One X5 seeking atomic tankard

My new pet hate - DIE!!!!!! Garrrrn.

This statue

2010-08-19T07:26:00.002+10:00

- Nothing suss! -

Tankard rating: Three gaysian tankards

M.J. would have been proud.

Ingrish - Part MCXLVII

2010-08-17T07:23:00.003+10:00

'Meeting with Mr. Sleepy Do Not Disturb'. Don't know if this is the most retarded or poetic thing I've seen so far today.

IIIIIINNGRISHHHHH!!

Tankard rating: Three sake-sake tankards

Me pat-pong por yoooo! Garn.

Having to make a bad choice next week

2010-08-13T11:10:00.003+10:00

I don't want to vote for either of these useless knobs next week.

I want to vote Dick Smith for PM. For realz.

Tankard rating: One atomic frustration tankard

What a waste of time - gimme some real options here...

This dude:

2010-08-11T07:27:00.002+10:00

Jesus juice kids? Come and get your Jesus juice!

Glass rating: Two 'leave uncle Bert alone' glasses

WTF?!!

The vitamins I'm taking

2010-08-09T07:26:00.006+10:00

I had a blood test last year (to confirm I'm allergic to cats - thanks to my mother in law). The doc said I was low in vitamin D as well so I started taking one of these things every couple of days. Upon closer inspection of the back of the box I found this nugget of wisdom:

One would hope that most of the men taking these 'mens' vitamins aren't considering becoming pregnant. I gave birth to a brown baby boy the other day, but that was probably something to do with consuming a cheeky bottle of shiraz the night before.

Tankard rating: Three men's multi tankards

See your doctor if pain persists.

My fantasies in tatters

2010-08-06T10:58:00.001+10:00

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Tankard rating: Three stout tankards

There'll be no womb raiding here - gnar.

Juggalos

2010-08-04T07:25:00.005+10:00

"Three men wearing the Juggalos' trademark clown make-up attempted to rob a woman outside Fairfield RSL Club and were captured on CCTV footage wearing their 'disguise' " - Daily Telegraph.

These candy-asses won't be so tough when I shove a unicycle up their coight. Should look like a three ring circus when I'm done! Ha-harrr!!

Tankard rating: 11 'daddy didn't love me' tankards.

Bring back national service.

Barry Hall

2010-08-02T07:23:00.003+10:00

Sportsman? Yes. Sportsmanship? No.

Are you allowed to punch and jab other players in an AFL game even if you're not jostling for the ball? Barry makes it a priority. The solution? Give Barry some of Ben Cousins' eccies man. Everyone's happy/uninjured. Yay!

Tankard rating: Four 'Up There Cazaly' tankards

Gaaarn.

Vodka Eyeballing

2010-07-30T07:23:00.002+10:00

Do you get to see what's at the bottom of the bottle?

Corym brought this to my attention, and all I wanna know is, does it really get you off your trolley? Or do you just end up with a really sore eyeball?

Tankard rating: Three Smirnoff Tankards

The Russians say 'nyet!'

The Thorpie Electric Toothbrush

2010-07-28T07:30:00.004+10:00

I got home last night and found that Mrs Poopey had bedazzled my fancypants electric toothbrush with this fetching portrait of Australia's manliest (ex) swimming star. The Thorpedo (c) is taped on to the toothbrush's 'on' button.

Any of you old enough may remember 'The Toothbrush Family', a groovy 70's cartoon show that depicted the nocturnal antics of a family of oral hygiene products that came to life after everyone had gone to sleep, and the family's electric toothbrush was the coolest character (being part toothbrush and part hot-rod car, naturally). So now I'm a bit confused about life in general.

Whatever is Mrs Poopey trying to say? Your thoughts please:

Glass rating: One glass toothbrush holder

Toothbrush Family not included. Garn.

Having to kill your hair stylist

2010-07-26T07:20:00.002+10:00

'I wuz jus askin' fo some cornrows yo honor, an da bitch did this to me! So of course I had to smack da bitch yo! I nevah meant to kill da bitch fo realz!!'

Tankard rating: Two unhappy wookiee tankards

Fo shizzay my nizzay. Wooooord.

Upskirters at your wedding

2010-07-22T07:34:00.002+10:00

Come now, this is a formal occasion. Show some decorum man!

Glass rating: Two glasses of Chateau Pantychot

Naughty, naughty! Gaaarn.

Parkour

2010-07-20T07:22:00.002+10:00

Look! I can run on a brick wall!! I'll give it a wanky name! How about 'parkour'??

Poopy says it's 'extreme walking' at best. Now how do I get your muddy footprints of my previously clean painted wall?

Tankard rating: Four pretentious French tankards

Viva la tishy-ence! Garn.

Mad Mel Gibson

2010-07-15T10:11:00.003+10:00

That's no way for a divorced but deeply religious person to treat a gold digging Russian bride, sugar tits. Especially if she owns a recording device. Dumbass.

Glass rating: Six wetback flavoured beers

Damned Jewish conspiracies! Cuckoo!

Autotune

2010-07-14T07:18:00.003+10:00

The past 60 years of popular music is littered with many different forms of audio trademarks, each of which could be said to be 'of their time'. You'll instinctively know when what your hearing was recorded by the way it sounds, for example:

1950's : Rockabilly and early Rock 'n Roll are born with their boogie-woogie feel, pronounced backbeat and big slap-back echo on the vocals. See Elvis Presley, et al.

1960's: Primitive analogue electronics introduce sounds like the wah-wah pedal for electric guitars, Jim Marshall starts building larger and louder amps and speaker cabinets, and multi-track recording is embraced by artists to produce ever more complicated and larger sounding records. See Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, Phil Spector, et al.

1970's: The Moog analogue synthesiser and EMC VCS 3 is embraced by the prog dinosaurs of the day. New sounds and the ability to sequence them enable artists to move beyond the bounds of conventional instruments and explore new territory. See Pink Floyd, Brian Eno, The Who, et al. Therefore, punk happens. See Sex Pistols, The Clash, Ramones, et al.

1980's: While everyone was gobbing and doing the pogo during the late 70's, synths had moved into the digital realm. The New Romantic movement embraces the new technology creating pop that's still ruthlessly plundered today. Drum machines become avaliable meaning the guitarist now only has to punch the information in once cutting studio time in half. See Gary Numan, Visage, Ultravox, et al.

1990's: You know a grunge song when you hear it. Techno and house music come into their own. However, in 1998 Cher releases 'Believe' with it's new (at the time) autotune effect on her vocals.

2000's: Nickleback still think it's 1991 and that they are Nirvana. Hip hop/urban/Pop Idol become the most important thing on the planet. What was going on here, I want my last ten years back.

2010's: Every single fucking Top 20 song has autotuned vocals. Every single one.

There will be a whole generation of people growing up who may never get to hear an unprocessed vocal performance. Which makes the Captain very sad. Fads come and go but autotune seems here to stay. Is it because record companies don't give anyone who can actually sing a recording contract? I can't take it any more, these gaylord Kanye's et al. God damn you Cher.

Tankard rating: One non auto tuned atomic tankard

Do you believe in glass after glass? TISH TISH KA-TISH!!!

Vuvuzelas

2010-07-12T07:16:00.004+10:00

I don't even watch the wogball but by Christ I'm sick of hearing the monotonous droning of 10,000 retarded soccer fans desperate to kill time waiting for that goal which never ever seems to happen. One extra tankard for the dickheads who claim it's a 'traditional' instrument. How long have plastics been around hmm??

Tankard rating: 11 World Cup Tankards

Now here's a traditional instrument - of tishy tishy tish!!

Benicio Del Toro

2010-07-09T07:19:00.004+10:00

A little while ago you guys mentioned Benicio Del Toto popping up in the strangest places, well, you know, places where you wouldn't expect an actor who wanted to be taken seriously would appear. So the other day I was watching 'Stones In Exile' and ol' Benny makes his appearance crapping on like he's mates with the Rolling Stones and knows enough about 'Exile on Main Street' (released when Benicio was five years of age) to be deemed worthy of adding his input to proceedings. Just like all those other fuckwits on 20-1. Therefore:

Tankard rating: Four Puerto Rican Tankards

Interesting fact: In NZ these are known as 'handles'. Tish!!

Camoflage Attack Dogs

2010-07-07T07:28:00.004+10:00

Woe betide anyone stupid enough to try breaking in to this house for a free Wii. They'll never know what hit 'em.

Tankard rating: Two barking mad tankards

Apologies for the lack of glassing, we just got back from NZ.

And yes, it was choice bro. Gaaaarn!

The Lady Gag Gag Love Doll

2010-06-28T10:31:00.001+10:00

OMG people.

Tankard rating: Three poker-faced tankards

Would you hit it?

People who claw their way to the top over the corpses of last week's best friends

2010-06-24T07:29:00.004+10:00

Did you see these tits straight-on? Shocking. And I like tits, I really do. That night, I cried myself to sleep praying to Jesus that I'd not have to experience that level of horror ever again. One feels sorry for her 'partner', he must be a very brave man. And if a gay man has a 'beard' to avoid tricky questions about his sexuality, what is the equivalent moniker for a taco-crazed ginger lady's pretend husband?

I'm never voting Labor again, what used to be the party for the little guy is now just a bitchy gaggle of hot air producing poofters and lezzos with no fucking idea what's good for this country. Get back to fixing the important things and give those carbon credits a wave goodbye, it's time to start keeping it realz for da people - no one outside Australia cares what we think. Throw a fence around the place to keep the bearded freeloading muslims out and start taking care of the old, sick and the unfortunates, build some decent roads and fix the fucking hospitals. Stop selling the place off to the Chinese for a song, build some awesome waste-producing nuclear power plants and use up all that lovely yellowcake instead of sending it off to Iran. It's not hard, oh, and stop sending our fucking money off to Indonesia, they don't even like us anyways.

Oh, if Poopey had his way...

Tankard rating: One ginger atomic tankard

Seeya Kevvy, it was fun for the first four weeks...

Anyone over the age of 18 who wears these bog catchers:

2010-06-23T07:28:00.003+10:00

Fucking retarded. If I see another leb dickhead at Westfields wearing these I'm gonna pants him and run. If he's not 'hanging tough' with his other six dickhead lebbo mates near the kebab shop in the food court of course, I'm crazy but not suicidal.

Glass rating: Eleven 'pull ya pants up' tankards

Gnaaar.

Lazy people

2010-06-21T07:36:00.002+10:00

Can't handle standing on your feet for the two minutes and thirty seconds it takes to get your chubby mitts on your next Triple Whopper? Time to re-think that Triple Whopper fatso!

Tankard rating: Three stout tankards that have no problem standing in line.

Garn (nom nom nom)

The dud box of tissues

2010-06-17T07:26:00.002+10:00

Pictured above: an operational box of tissues.

I'm talking about the other type, the box of tissues in which the next tissue never stays up ready for picking, even if the manufacturer has approached NASA and had their top scientists engineer one of those cantilevered raising devices at the bottom of the box. Which don't help either. Or the box of tissues where you get the tissues separating into two parts which could never hope to cope with a wintertime goober (a-choo). How hard is it to make a box of tissues work properly anyway? And does buying a box of 'man size' mean you only wank once a week? What's up with that? Talk about things that make your fellow shoppers go 'hmm'.

Tankard rating: Four 'man size' tankards

Beam me up Scotties. Gaarn.

Tap Dogs

2010-06-15T07:22:00.004+10:00

Just what is the point of tap dancing anyway? All that fapping about while some more dudes in work boots smack the living shit out of garbage bins over at stage left. People find this shit entertaining? I wish it was a dead art, you know, like lute music or using film to take photos.

Tankard rating: Two tankards on top of two other tankards

Tappity-tap-tap fappity-fap-fap huzzah! Gaarn.

Scary gangs

2010-06-11T07:35:00.003+10:00

God knows that when I need some hairspray at 2 in the morning I don't want to run into these dudes at the 7-11 carpark. Why do men form gangs anyway? You're all individuals! (I'm not). Now give me some of that hairspray, it's for the wife. Honestly.

Tankard rating: A small gang of three ceramic tankards.

Don't they look shifty? Have a good weekend peeps.

Chicks into bonsai trees

2010-06-09T07:23:00.003+10:00

They're so busy looking after their little trees that the only time left to socialise is on the phone with friends. Balancing your work, hobbies and friends is important, no matter how much one may love their miniature arboreous friends.

Tankard rating: Two topiary tankards

Hope she's not into 'bush'. Gaarn.

TV shows that still have the credits rolling 15 minutes after they start

2010-06-07T07:24:00.003+10:00

Fifteen minutes after which ever American crime drama/medical drama/family drama has started, you're still being distracted by the associate producer/associate associate producer/gopher's cousin's credits popping up on the screen. Just run the credits at the end and give us back our tea/toilet break, it's not too much to ask is it? And for fuck's sake if you advertise an 8:30 start, start the fucking show at 8:30. Grrrr.

Tankard rating: Six annoyed viewer tankards

Thank God for torrents. Gnaarr.

Bras for men

2010-06-03T07:26:00.003+10:00

Real men don't wear bras. Except their missus's ones. When she's not home.

Who's a naughty Poopey then? Gnaaaaaaarrrr.

Tankard rating: Four 'stacked like Keeley Hazell' tankards

I'd stay home and play with them all day...

The Return of X-factor

2010-06-01T07:21:00.004+10:00

For fuck's sake, Australia's talent pool is long drained.

That goes for the contestants too.

Tankard rating: Four fresh out of rehab tankards

To the bar! Gaaarn.

Asian driving schools

2010-05-26T07:29:00.002+10:00

Yes, your driving stinks.

Tankard rating: Four 'go back to rickshaws' tankards

There would be much less carnage that way. Gaarn.

The wogs down the street

2010-05-24T20:14:00.003+10:00

Dear wogs down the street,

I'm all for multiculturalism, I really am you know. It has brought really good things to this country, and means that I don't need to live on a staple diet of fish and chips for the rest of my natural life as my anglo-saxon forefathers who brought here against their will aboard stinky ships did. Your arrival in this country following World War II also helped this country with building necessary major works, and has enriched our otherwise boring whitebread cultural landscape in ways, let's face it, both good and bad. Mostly good I suppose. Except for fucking Lebs, they're all fucked in the head.

Anyway, if any of you cunts decide to start banging those wedding drums out front of your house at 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning when I'm trying to enjoy a well-earned sleep-in, I will fucking have my revenge upon you all, I'm just not sure how yet. But I will. So don't fucking do it again. I don't fucking care if your kids are getting married, you don't need to advertise it with 100dB drums banging away for four hours with that Borat music tooting along with it. It's shit. So fucking stop it.

Tankard rating: Ten tankards of pure hatred

Vengeance, thy name shall be Poopey! Gaarn.

Campbells Soups new flavour varieties

2010-05-21T07:32:00.002+10:00

"Chunky Butt Pirate"

Tankard rating: Five rough trade leather tankards

Can we have an election yet, please Governor?

Seriously, there's a NSFW piccy below this bit - scroll down, if you dare!

2010-05-20T10:44:00.001+10:00

I'm serious. It's quite NSFW.

NSFW piccy below! Scroll down if you dare!!

2010-05-20T10:42:00.000+10:00

Most of those 'FAIL' photos you see on the infernet

2010-05-20T07:29:00.002+10:00

Except this one. This is quite something isn't it?

Tankard rating: Four girls, one tankard.

Someone's 'cuckoo for caca'.

Wiggaz

2010-05-18T07:28:00.002+10:00

They have gangs now. Fo shizzle.

Tankard rating: Four gin 'n juice tankards

Bo selecta! Gnaaar.