Being 'Funky' in the 80's

I remember when looking your best in the 80's and having any hope of scoring some happy time with a lady involved mucho hair gel and some double denim. Even an iron-on patch of your favourite band on the back of your denim jacket was considered 'au courant' for a time, but thankfully times have changed. And for god's sake please don't mention acid wash. It must only be a matter of days until this comes back, we've had most of the 80's make a fearful return in the past few years. What's next? Hypercolour t-shirts? Actually I wouldn't mind one of those...

Tankard rating: Four 'Relax' tankards

Do you really want to hurt me? Well, yes actually. Gnaaar.

People who smack their car doors into the PoopMobile

I fucking hate the couldn'tgiveafuck type of people who just throw open their car door and leave these pissy and annoying dings in the otherwise pristine PoopMobile. If I had my way I'd have them strapped into some sort of stockade device and smack a car door into their spastic faces over and over until such a time as I couldn't stop cackling maniacally at the pulpy mess. Crucifixion's too good for these cunts.

Tankard rating: Lots of angry tankards

I'm more cooney than a block of cheese - gaaarn.

Pensioners who won't get out of my way

The time: yesterday

The place: Franklins supermarket Hurstville

The glassable offence: Thinking the best place to stop and have an in depth chinwag about their grandkids/the weather/the price of Whiskas is the main automatic door where me and the other recently fleeced shoppers are trying desperately to make good an escape from screaming kids not getting what they want and the mind-numbing muzac (Savage Garden - woot!). With the greatest of respect you silly old biddies, get the fuck out of my way!! Grrrrrrr.


Tankard rating: Five tanned-hide tankards

Get on your Gofers and go!

Australian Senators Who Aren't Nick Xenophon

I'm really starting to take a shine to this guy, first of all for sticking it to Rudd over stimulus wastage and now this week for sticking it to those crazy fucking Scientologists (hail Lord Xenu!)

Ballsy move Nick - keep up the good work man. I wonder what any of the other Upper House members would have had to say if they'd bothered to make an appearance?

Tankard rating: Three Star Trek tankards

Hail Lord Xenophon!!

Fashion over Function

Like, durrr.

Tankard rating: Three 'going blind' tankards

Next time, Hammer pants! Gaarn.

Chafed nipples

I once rode a pushbike for six hours around Lake Macquarie up near Newcastle many years ago, and the next day was suffering from a nasty case of chafed nipples. Looks like the sports fan pictured above might be in the same boat. It's embarassing when it strikes without warning, I'll tell you.

Tankard rating: Three lanolin tankards

Be still my burning nipples! Gnaar.

Britney Spears' Australian fans

Britney can't sing, she can't produce a decent vocal even within the perfect environs of a recording studio running the world's most advanced version of ProTools. She sure as dammit couldn't sing on stage while shuffling awkwardly back and forth (some call it choreography) as it would involve having to concentrate on, god forbid, two things at once. And recovering from all that shuffling involves lots of heavy breathing no pretend stage mic could ever compensate for. Which is why this sorry excuse for entertainment is mostly lip-synced - and there are no video screens for the people in the cheap seats out back of the venue so that no-one can see how woeful the lip-syncing must be.

And Britney fans in Australia walked out demanding refunds for their hard-earned dosh? What in the living fuck did they expect? What a bunch of retarded dickheads, they deserve each other. You buy a ticket to a show to witness a living car-crash first hand and expect musical competency? Get fucked. You would have had the exact same experience for $20 at any Oxford Street drag revue.

This post was originally going to be titled 'Britney's Post-Baby Tits' but things went astray.

Tankard rating: Four Fender Tankards

Get some rock up ya! Gnaaaaaaaaaar!!

Dodgey karaoke bars

You just never know exactly where that mic's been... just ask MC Farthole.

Tankard rating: Three SingStar Tankards

Don't forget the sanitary wipes now. Gaarn.

Bert Newton

Due to popular demand, it's time to get stuck into Bert Newton.

If you could describe playing second banana to some of the greats of Australian television a 'career' then Bert has made a nice little career for himself over the past fifty years - even managing to outlive all other 'competition' to find himself with his own shitful autopromped list programme '20 to 1'. As if making people suffer all of those infomercials with Moira during his 'GMA' tenure wasn't bad enough... To be fair he probably needs the work to finance upkeep on that dead badger stapled to his bonce.

It's also a little-known fact that NASA had planned to use Bert's face in 1969 for the Apollo 11 laser experiment in which the astronauts planted a large reflective object on the surface which scientists on Earth could bounce a 'laser' off of to measure the distance between the two planetary bodies. Due to Bert's commitments playing second banana to Ernie Sigley on a ripsnorting tour of suburban RSLs at the time, NASA's request for Bert's services was regretfully denied and Buzz Aldrin ended up installing a 24" square mirror which was almost as reflectually efficient. Thankfully the public at the time who were all excited about Bert's sudden scientific relevance kept on using his new nickname of 'Moonface'.

I wonder if his boy Matthew is so angry all the time because he's worried he's gonna look like this one day? :




Hubba hubba!










Tankard rating: 11 glass tankards

Larger target area = more tankards.