Air show safety experts

Another air show, another fatal crash. What do you reckon the percentage would be of air shows that include fun and spectacular fiery mayhem versus the boring air shows where nothing explodes, 60%? 70%?

At any rate, Captain Poopey thinks that if the air safety people were serious about safety, then they might have come up with a way for pilots to fly their planes with one hand on the ejector seat lever at all times. If I have to put down some gay yellow plastic signs either side of a six foot ladder when I'm working, surely people flying a multi million dollar petrol bomb at low altitude could lift their game a tad and be a little more safety minded? If it looks as though you're hurtling downwards and the ground is starting to look kinda close, give that thing a tug and everyone aboard will have a relatively happy ending! Unless it's a Russian jet and the lever comes off in your hand - "Nyet!!" (bugger).

Tankard rating: Three ceramic tankards made from the scorched earth at Ramstein.

Yee-haaaa! Gaarn.

iPod's New Poster Child

Asians, proving yet again that even the coolest and funkiest MP3 accessories cannot compensate for extremely bad fashion sense. And extreme muffin top.

Tankard rating: Mixed bad of tankard projectiles

All it needs is a Hello Kitty tankard to complete the picture. Gaarn.

This dude

Hello ladies!

Tankard rating: Three freaky nigga tankards

Day-um! Gnaar.

Everything about this photo

Probably should be renewing their wardrobe instead of their vows. Eccchhhh!

Tankard rating: Three 'put it away' tankards

Love is blind? Wish I was too. Garn.

Fat chicks at concerts

You'd be justifiably angry if you'd paid $150 to see your favourite band only to have your view obstructed by some fat bitch sitting on her boyfriend's shoulders the entire show. Hope he remembered to tick the 'chiropractic' box on his MBF form.

Tankard rating: Three 'stout' tankards

Now put that thing away! Gnaar.

People whose chin touches their necktie

Tankard rating: Three "I'm melting, I'm melting!!" tankards.

Whatthefuckman? Gaarn.

Supermodels that look like Stewie

In those few precious moments of lucidity experienced during this week's awesome goat flu epidemic here at Chez Poop (yep, it's not pretty) and being too farnarcled to even grab the remote in time to do anything about it, this weird-looking chick keeps appearing on the telly in those far-too-cool-for-even-you Rimmell makeup ads. I don't know if it's the medication or too much Family Guy (even if that was possible) but this overpaid alien looks to me to be awfully similar to our favourite matricidal lemon-head Stewie.

Ok, it's a bit of a stretch but I didn't want youse to think I wasn't missing you ok?

Tankad rating: Two 'what's the Captain smoking?' tankards

Regular programming to be resumed as soon as possible...

Kyle Fucking Sandilands

Every time I see this cockjockey's bonce I'm choking on my own rage, so this past week has been particularly rage laden. Let's get the tankards flying for (in no particular order) :

a) being a completely egomaniacal cunt
b) using Tamara Jaber as a beard
c) referring to himself and his holdings company as 'King Kyle'
d) successfully managing Tamara's 'pop career' * (denotes sarcasm)
e) being a complete and utter cunt

Please feel free to add more in the comments biddy.

With millions of dollars owed to creditors for his St Ives 'mansion' and his Lawsie-like taste for high-end Rolls Royces, I hope the talentless fuck ends up back where he started - a street kid giving hand jobs for crack. Even his parents couldn't stand the turd and now the rest of the country feels the same way.

Tankard rating: One surplus ICBM tankard

I stole it from Holsworthy base for the good of the nation. Gaaaarn.

Mexican outhouses

I wonder if in Mexico VIP stands for Vermin Infested Potty?

Even if I had a Very Important Poopoo to drop off I'd be taking my business elsewhere!

Housekeeping! Housekeeeeping!!

Tankard rating: Three ceramic tankards

For God's sake don't drink the water. Gaarn.

Marilyn Manson

Dude that look is so, like, 1995.

Tankard rating: Four pancake & eyeliner tankards

Even Alice Cooper is cooler man. Gaarn.