Lando Calrissian

Wait, what? It's who?? Whoops!

Tankard rating: One confused Poopey tankard

Shamonah (garn)

Slipping standards in popular music 'n shit

'Nuff said really. I'm patenting a new retard-proof lock which can be fitted to a recording studio, and the results will hopefully become noticeable in the very near future.

Tankard rating: Five tankards of pimp juice

Yo, yo, bumrush the hos. Boyeee.

Orlando Bloom

Fuck you Orlando Bloom.

Tankard rating: Lotsa tankards

(gaaaaarn)

Attempted Genius

My inner English teacher is all in a tizz.

Tankard rating: Four 'sit in the corner' tankards

Now write it out one hundred times! Gnaar.

Men's Diving

They look like retards trying to squeeze out a three day old turd.

Tankard rating: Three 'down the deep end' tankards

I want to see some perfect 10's for throwing - garn.

Lady Gaga

WTF is the big woop about Lady Gaga anyway? She's just an updated version of the slapper from Transvision Vamp but without the awkward masturbation fantasies.


Tankard rating: Four overrated glass tankards.

"I don't want your lo-oove..." Garn.

Gordon Fucking Ramsay

What? Gordon has friends to cook for?

What a cunt!

Tankard rating: Six tasty tankards in a white wine sauce.

Gaaarn.

Rainbow print lycra shorts for men

Security should have swooped.

Tankard rating: Three dwarf potion tankards.
Whoa dude. Gaarn.

English bushwalker Jamie Neale

English or Amish? With no GPS, mobile phone, map, provisions or any idea where he was going, this 'experienced' hiker has cost emergency rescue services a shitload of money. Let's hope this wasn't some sort of hoax to ensure instant fame and lucrative sponsorship deals.

Tankard rating: Four 'We're the Fukawi' tankards

Gaarn.

General Raam

I've been playing the crap out of 'Gears of War' this past week, and it's fucking awesome what with having access to a chainsaw-equipped assault rifle and all. But during the final boss fight with 'ladies choice' Raam (as pictured) I must have died fifty times before working out what to do. I miss having the reflexes of a 10 year old on speed-coated Frosties. On the bright side, the neighbours are probably enjoying the loud swearing and explosions n' shit. They probably think they're living next door to a serial killer... best to keep them on their toes don't you think?

It's only going to get worse when I get my hands on GOW2! Ha-haaaar!!

Assault rifle rating: Three assault rifles

Who needs psychotherapy? Gaarn.

Jamie Packer

If only for squandering daddy's fortune on idiot casino ventures alone, here's a long overdue glassing to Australia's Upper-Class Twit Of The Year, James Packer.

Bet the Scientologists won't be so buddy-buddy when it's all been spent big fella.


Tankard rating: Five leather tankards

Lord Xenu commands it so! Gaarn.

Jason Jackson

Corym has been way ahead of the curve and sent me this screencaps (yes, he has the technology) of this sad little weirdo who now stands to make a buttload of cash impersonating a dead peado.

Says Jason in today's paper, "I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this - to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael."

And I'd heard that Farrah Fawcett's dying wish was that all the children in the world would be safe from molestation... hmm.

Glass rating: Four tankards (Jesus juice optional)

Isn't life strange? Sh'mon. Gnaar.

Last night's Oz Lotto draw

Thanks to Channel 7 last night I had to sit through twenty minutes of 'Packed to the Rafters' in order to find out I didn't have the right Lotto numbers which resulted in a high-range level of unhappiness. And now I'm not sure if it was the lack of a fat Lotto win or having endured that awful 'hit' show that's made me so cooney. In a nutshell: Fuck you Channel 7.

Tankard rating: Four glass tankards

I took one off because Sonia Kruger gave me a semi. Gaarn.