The media being nice to a dead Michael Jackson

Gordon has his finger on the pulse. Ok, that may be a poor choice of words taste wise but hey. So now the Wacko One is dead and bugger me sideways (again, sorry) if the media is now fawning over the 'genius' that was Michael Jackson. You know, the same people who, if asked the day previous to his death exactly what sprang to mind at the mention of his name, most probably would have dismissively said 'kiddy fiddler' straight away.

Anyone with even a modicum of compassion flowing in their veins (sorry, really) may have viewed the strange story of MJ's life as having been a completely FUBAR situation, with many of the unsavory traits he developed perhaps originating from his father's beatings, lack of a real childhood, insane level of stress, and a general separation from normality as most of us mere mortals know it.

If only from a musical point of view, those labelling him a genius would have to admit that he hadn't made a decent album in over twenty years, with each new release since 'Thriller' ever more expensive and taking longer to make yet never progressing stylistly. He had become stuck in some sort of time warp where the choreography had become the most important thing anyway. Hardly the work of genius.

Still, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh. If it weren't for the parasites surrounding him that were undoubtably riding the gravy train and living off of his fortune, pandering to his every desire and never once saying 'no' or pointing out to him that perhaps doing this thing or that thing might be frowned upon by the general public, or bad for his wellbeing, Jacko just might have turned his life around and made amends one day. In some ways it's amazing he made it to 50 without topping himself. At least now he can get some peace. And the fans still have Justin Timberlake if they want to reminisce...

Glass rating: Five glass-studded gloves

Heee-heeee! Shamon!!

Sexual harassment at work

Can anyone tell me what is wrong with the above scenario?

Yes, that's right. Mr Elephant is making unwanted advances upon Ms. Elephant in the workplace. And that's frowned upon, even in Pakistan.

So, boys and girls, please remember: "I will not attempt doggy style at work, even if the opportunity presents itself in the dark confines of the stationery cupboard and my secretary was practically begging for it, honestly. Your honour."


Glass rating: Two glasses of Casa el Cheapo

Only six months to the next office Christmas party...

D.I.Y. Facelifts

I know there's a recession on (so they keep saying) but this little penny-pinching gem isn't going to save you on botox sweety.


Tankard rating: Two superficial tankards

I've got some bukkake facial scrub if required (gaarn).

Men in Leather Bikini Bottoms

If one had to hazard a guess, one would assume these leather bikini bottoms would be a tad pungent. Love the muttonchops though, keep up the good work.


Tankard rating: Five 'I like a cow in tight leather' leather tankards.

Chafing creme recommended.

This hairstyle

I bet she was in the beauty parlour the entire day too. Hasn't improved things at all really.

Tankard rating: Three 'House de Beutay' tankards

One extra for the hairdresser - gaarn.

Snuggies blanket

It's what? A blanket with arms sewn on? How much? Only three easy payments of $19.95 each? And now the whole family can look like (insert one) cult members/The Polyphonic Spree/The Emperor's Imperial Guards/a complete tool while saving those big bucks on heating bills. Fucking awesome! I'll take four!!

Kudos to the manufacturers who were overstocked when the KKK cancelled their last order of uniforms. I hope they get some kind of marketing award.


Tankard rating: Five Demtel leather tankards

Call now and get a bonus booklight free! Gaarn.

Chubby chasers

Dude should chiddya-check himself before he wrecks himself... looks like a biiig job.

Glass rating: Four pints of full cream milk

Somebody hide the chocolates for god's sake! Garn.

Sydney Airport Tunnel

What I can't understand is why the tunnel is lit up like the end of Close Encounters when there's no daylight outside, and barely lit up at all during the day. When I drive through in the early a.m. before the sun has come up I'm fucking blinded, and going home with sunnies on I can't see a fucking thing. Oh that's right, the RTA is staffed by retards. My bad.

Tankard rating: Six steel tankards made from the recycled wreckage of all the rear-ended cars in the tunnel.

Might be time to adjust the lighting instead of putting up those tiny signs warning of rear-end accidents. Fuckwits. Gaarn.

Male Prom Queens

Sergio Garcia here is now the world's first male prom queen. It was far too gay a thing to compute whilst chowing down during Sunday breakfast (thanks Sunrise - grr). Sergio was faffing about and striking unbelievably gay poses for a photographer (see photo) so I turned to Mrs Poopey and exclaimed "that's the gayest fucking thing I've ever seen", to which she replied "what, gayer than two men fucking?" Which was a fair point. I bet his daddy's proud...

Anyway, I can't say that I approve. I bet the Governor of California wouldn't either!

(how good are those Jeep ads?)

Tankard rating: Six 'knock some sense inta ya' tankards


As if there wasn't enough poofterism on the telly - I'm looking at you Homemade (ya wankers)

The 7:30 session of 'Two and a Half Men'

I've seen every single one of these fucking episodes at least five times each.

Can you fuckers at Nine put on something different while I'm having dinner?

Each time there's a scene change they play that tiny little "meeennnn" in the background and all I can say is "mehhhhh".

Glass rating: One six pack of Coronas

Charlie would want it that way. Meeeeeehhhhh!