Beer Goggles

The first person to say "I'd hit it" will be escorted from the premises. Day-um!

Tankard rating: Three 'Biggest Loser' tankards

Roll it back in!! Gaaarn.

John Mayer

John Mayer is a musician who hires himself out to female celebrities to have a 'relationship' with who need publicity for whatever crappy project that they're trying to desperately promote at the time. Have you ever heard one of his songs? Me neither. They even give him Grammy awards - which I suspect is in sympathy for having to pretend to bone that awful Jennifer Aniston. It's a crazy world that we live in isn't it? I've sent a letter off to the Grammy people in the hope that they will recognise my 'contribution to making the ladies happy - if you know what I mean'. It's alright, I can wait until next February, no worries. Grammy people? Grammy peoples??

Glass rating: Three pointy ARIA awards

I'm happy with these in lieu of that Grammy, ok?

Child Exhibitionists

When I was a boy it was considered impolite to get your cock out on the cover of any publication. My, how times have changed!

Mrs Poopey and I found this at the supermarket at Ulladulla, and we giggled ourselves stupid driving around singing a different version of the Munchkin song: "we represent, the chubby cock kid, the chubby cock kid!" Talk about puerile humour!! We get up to crazy shenanigans!!

Tankard rating: Two chubby tankards.

Childhood obesity and clutching your cock - bad parenting?

Peter Overton

There was once a time when I felt sorry for 'ol Peteypie (pictured at left of photo), simply because he ended up married to Skeletor (aka Jessica Rowe - eww). Then, a few months ago he was promoted/staged a successful takeover of the primetime channel 9 news here in Sydney, replacing 'ladies choice' Mark Ferguson (pictured at right of photo) while he wasn't looking/was away on holiday.

If I see this lazy-smiled cunt one more time telling me "if it happens in Sydney..." whilst walking the mean streets of Willoughby pretending to be in touch with 'the people' I'm gonna lose my shit. It's bad enough to steal Fergo's gig let alone rip off Ian Ross's meet and greet the peeps approach that channel 7 did years ago.

I'm hoping that the curse of the 9 newsreaders continues and the ghost of Jim Waley appears to Peter and scares him from the studio. There's little chance of this however as Petey lives in Snake Mountain with his wife which has most likely conditioned him to spooky supernatural phenomena, but one can always live in hope.

Tankard rating: Four 'curse of Jim Waley' tankards

And that's all here from CPNTBGTNG, good night!

Airport Security

If you or I tried to smuggle a pair of nail clippers onto a JetStar flight to Phuket, we'd probably be picked up and glovefingered, then tazered when we suddenly came over all uncooperative like. However, if you're a group of fifteen bikies and decide to bludgeon a man to death in the check-in area there's no need to worry - you won't be admonished about your lack of decorum, in fact any security staff or Federal Police that should be doing their fucking jobs will probably quickly retire to the security office and chow down on some potato chips while enjoying the fracas on the CCTV system. Makes you wonder what would happen if fifteen bearded muslims walk in carrying rocket launchers huh? What a complete joke.







Glass rating: Four glass Airbusses

Tora! tora! tora!! Gaarn.

Janice Dickinson

This dreadful T-Rex of the fashion world loves to remind the vapid famewhores on 'America's Next Supermodel' and anyone within earshot that she was, in fact, the world's first supermodel herself. I'd like to remind her that a kilogram of injected collagen makes you look like a human superduck. Quack quack, quack quack quack. Which is a shame because she used to look like this:




















Oh well.


Glass rating: Four model-thin tankards.

They're pipettes, I'm sure you get the idea. Gnnaar.

Maria Shriver

So Arnie ended up married to the very thing he was trying to kill in 'Predator', isn't the world a strange place?

Tankard rating: Three alien bounty hunter tankards

If it bleeds, we can kill it.

Corym's Guest Glassing: Everything in this Photo

Some say that charity begins at home. This is how it works in Darwin, thus making it 'Darwinian charity'. So much for evolution of the species. You can't go around stealing from the blind in order to go get blind yourself, couldn't they wait for Kevvy's $900? Everyone's in such a rush these days.


Glass rating: Three brown paper bags down the park

It's tough at the top. Gaarn.

Lonely Hobbits

Wanted: One female hobbit for companionship and fun times. Must enjoy the company of tall bearded wizards and extreme cross-country trekking. GSOH and summoning staff essential.

Glass rating: Three flasks of extreme geekiness.

Gaaarn.

NRL

I personally think that the NRL is a crock of shit.

Poopey's suggestions to fix the fucking thing:

a) Players go back to having day jobs. If they're having to get up at 3 a.m. to do the local council garbage run so be it, it was good enough for players in the 70's and there was none of this fucking nightclub/club function/pub crawl sexual assault nonsense going on when they had to be out of bed at sparrow's fart. Yes I realise the council would have to buy the old garbage trucks back without the robot arm. It would be worth it.

b) Players that represent a team consist of players that actually live in that team's area. I could not be bothered going to a St. George game if the team is 80% Kiwi players from Wykikamoocow.

c) Bring back Mahatmacoat. Fucking political correctness.


Tankard rating: One AFL tankard.

At least Cousins could hook me up with the good stuff. Gaan.

Beatle look-alikes

Planning a happening party at yours? Tired of the same old cheese & wine/fancy dress/car key party scenarios?? Why not hit up 'Lookalikes' and have some vague resemblance of a dead or cranky Beatle turn up and harass your guests for weed in a thick fake Liverpudlian accent?

I'll take two please! Check the site out for more lame lookalikes ok?

Tankard rating: One complete 'Fab Four' tankard set.

Preferably hurled to the angry sounds of the White Album.

Octomummy

If you're a single mum with six kids, where do you get the funds for IVF to have a looney doctor knock you up with another eight soon-to-be-in-foster-care brats? Not to mention the plastic surgery so you can reenact scenes from Tomb Raider on YouTube? What a fuckin' nutbag.


Glass rating: Four 'safe as milk' milk bottles

Maybe the milkman did it? Gnaar.

Eddie Vedder's Mohawk

I enjoyed 'Ten' as I'm sure many other people did at the time. 'Vitalogy' was cool, as was 'Yield' (guess 'Give Way' wouldn't have had the same ring to it). Even when Eddie went off and did some side projects the end results were often quite listenable. But I have to draw the line at the new mohawk - time for a remix dude.

Tankard rating: Two grunge glass tankards

Eeeeeeeeveeeennnn zamalamalamalamalamadingdingdong oooh yeah!