Christmas Cards

My main beef with Christmas cards is that when you open one and find that it has 'Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year' printed on the inside, just what the fuck else are you meant to write on it before you give it to someone. Hallmark has all those bases covered. As if having to buy shit to give away, wrapping (arrgh), annoying rellies as houseguests and falling off ladders hanging lights off the gutters aren't bad enough, you also have to get creative trying to make a different personal message on Christmas cards in case two recipients compare the contents of their respective card. Humbug!

Now, on a somewhat hypocritical tangent, Merry Christmas to all of youse out there. I can see Festy, Corym, Gordon Gecko, Staggers & Troppo, Samual Gordon-Stewart and Anonymous through my Magic Mirror - don't forget to be good little boys and girls so that fat alco prick in the red suit will bring you a bunch of crap that you didn't really need! Woot!!

P.S. Come back Emma, all is forgiven. Emma?

Try and have a good time kids, and remember, if you see a booze bus - drive the other way in a non-wobbly fashion as possible. Love from Captain Poopey.

Michael Jackson

Like, seriously - what the fuck?? I hope they put extra security on all the schools in the area.

Glass rating: Ten Moonwalking Fucked-Up Pedo Of The Year Awards

Tee-hee! Sha-monah!!

Madonna

Guy Ritchie escaped with both his life, and a $74,000,000 settlement. It's the feelgood story of the year! In your face Madonna!!


Glass rating: Three glass crucifixes.

The only way to be really sure. Gaaarn.

Maria Venuti

Surely this is a tranny isn't it? My eyes! My eyes!!



Glass rating: Two tranny tankards

Reminds me of that embarrassing night in Bankok. Happy times.

Grant Hackett

Here's Grant accepting some cake at the Thorpie's Man Pearl Swimming Centre.



















Mmm, mmm. Doesn't that look tasty?






















Carb loading? C'mon Grant, it was all that tasty cake wasn't it?

You are so sprung.


Tankard rating: Three Thorpie Man-love Tankards

Where's MY signature pool??

Those fucking BrandPower commercials

If you're the kind of person who enoys being marketed Yukkult to thirty-eight times a day, you're probably enjoying seeing Sally Williams' face so often. I'm not one of those people. Grrrr.

Tankard rating: Six tankards filled with ProBiotics (or whatever those little bottles of mangoo contain). I took one tankard off due to Sally's recent boobjob. You go girl!