Phil Collins

What a cunt.

In a very loosely chronological format Captain Poopey presents some of the many glassable sins of Mr Philip Collins:

a) Was the most annoying member of Genesis, who, not being happy enough with his lot as their resident drummer, assumed control following Peter Gabriel's departure from the group.

b) Insisted that he was too multifaceted for the group and proceeded to perpetrate a series of solo albums and saccharine Motown covers on the charts (which seemingly billions of people actually paid money for)

c) Enjoyed a cocaine-fuelled Concorde flight between London and Philadelphia so that he could egotistically appear twice during 1985's Live Aid. Won't someone think of the children?

d) Starred in 1988's "Buster". Also recorded it's soundtrack "Groovy Kind of Love". FFS.

e) Famously divorced his wife via fax machine. Sure, we've all thought of doing this ourselves but who amongst us has actually tried it on? Cunty and cowardly!

f) Tried to talk Timmy into leaving The Lords of the Underworld to start his own solo career. Timmmmah!!

g) Probably at least another fifty things I'm not aware of.

Glass rating: Eleven Prog-Rock Tankards

You can't hurry love. Tishy-tish!

IKEA

It was quite simple really, Mrs Poopey wanted to replace the old and crappy buffet/hutch in the dining room right? She had an IKEA catalogue, and had picked out exactly what she wanted - some bizzarely named Nordic cabinet held together with allen screws and wood glue. A call to the one and only store left in Sydney located an hour from home (they shut the rest of them, fuckers) confirmed that there were "a few in stock no worries". We raced over in the car, negotiated the fucking sheep race (as pictured above) in the vain hope that we'd make it to their self-picking warehouse area before anyone else got to what we wanted. Sure enough, one of the other four million people there that hour had bought all stock of what they had an hour previously.

To summarise:

a) No, you can't order online.
b) No, you can't order over the phone.
c) No, you can't leave a deposit to secure something you physically can't be near within an hour.
d) No, there's no way of avoiding feeling like a total fuckwit trying to pronounce a word like 'Stenshtorp'.
e) No, there's no way you can just walk in to the downstairs warehouse where you have to try and find the fucking thing you're after, even if it's still there.

IKEA, go and get fucked you unhelpful cunts. Oh, and get with the internet. Stat. If you're so aware of environmental concerns, perhaps I could order shit online and not burn a tank of petrol every time I have to visit your only outlet. Grrrrr.



Tankard rating: Five Viking Tankards

These two, um, things.

There is someone for everyone.

Glass rating: Eleven 'for Gods sake don't breed' tankards.

Lordy.

Ready Steady Cook

The Captain's been laid low by a nasty sea-virus the past few days, and to make matters worse it was easier to just lay on the couch hacking and dribbling than do something constructive like pick up a controller or a book. Suffice to say that daytime TV almost makes me glad I go to work and suckle upon the corporate teat, rather than be subjected to it's incredible levels of cathode ray gaiety. I'm looking at you, Ready Steady Cook.


Glass rating: One bum's cheapest cooking sherry a la paper bag.

Garn (cough gasp blurg)

Equal access Klan meetings

Wait, what? It's ok for cripples to attend but not Democrat candidates?

All hail the Grand Wizard!! Can someone give me a push? Cheers.

Tankard rating: Three Southern hospitality moonshine tankards.

Gnnaar.

Top Gear Australia

They should put themselves on the 'What Were They Thinking' board of shame.

Heads up 'Clarkson Lite' - stop yelling at us. Heads up 'Hammond Lite' - quit the OTT aussie draaaaawl. And 'May Lite' - that Smart car hearse last week kinda summed up my prediction for the show's longevity, I give it one season, no renewal. Nice work dingleberries.

SBS - hows about putting the real thing back on, and quit cutting it to bits to fit the fucking ads in ya cunts. Gaaaaaaaarn.

Tankard rating: Six steel tankards made from wrecked P76s.

Some things just shouldn't be messed with.

O.J.Simpson

Sure, it's thirteen years too late (to the day - woo spooky), but finally the juice is no longer loose!

Sucked in you naughty bastard.

Glass rating: Ten NFL glass trophies.

Those memorabilia traders are gonna be pissed.

Cliff Richard's "Wired for Sound"

This original G has taken Cliffy's concept much too far.

Fo shizzle.


Tankard rating: Two Gin & Juice Tankards.

I like short speakers, I like tall speakers...

Gaaarn.

The Bride of Wildenstein

'Scaring the children since 1990'

Come to think about it, glassing may not be an effective course of action. It would probably bounce off of all that scar tissue. Meh.


Glass rating: One Windscreens O'Brien delivery truck.

Kyyyyy-aaaaaiiii! Gnaar.

Tasmanian family get-togethers

One doubts that even the Family First Party would approve.

Tankard rating: Two glass tankards.

Sprung! Gaarn.

Mad Max 3

I'd rather watch Mad Max 2 three times in the same weekend than sit through this ever again.

And I did! In your face Angry Anderson!!


Tankard rating: One pre post-apocolyptic atomic tankard.

We don't need another hero. Garrn.

Fine Young Cannibals

Cannibalising each others' penis since 1985.

Tankard rating: Six steel tankards

..Good thing do-de-do... CRACK!! CRACK!! CRACK!!!