Nikki/Nicki/Nicky/Nikky Webster's Career

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"The pop singer looked more than a little shellshocked when she took to the stage dressed as a wind-up doll for the gay and lesbian extravaganza at Sydney's Hordern Pavilion early yesterday morning.

The former child star has been busy trying to sex up her image, from cute school girl to raunchy pin-up. She recently bared most for sleazy men's mag, Zoo.

Her appearance on stage drew some applause, but many in the bemused crowd were unsure of who she was - either way, her crazy disco clown outfit attracted a lot of colourful comments."

Ah, showbusiness. Such a fickle mistress. The past eight years have not been kind.

Tankard Rating: Nine Steel Tankards

filled with 'Strawberry Kisses'. Gnnarrr.

Ed Norton's Career

Boy, it's kinda on the downhill trajectory dontcha think?

Fight Club - great.
American History X - interesting.
Frida - ? At least he got near Salma Hayek's boobies.
Hulk - ?? ?? ??

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

The first rule of Glass Club is that there is no Glass Club.

Supermarket Apples

After having sworn off buying these things for a long time, a sudden pang of 'lack of fruit as part of your daily intake' guilt combined with an overriding laziness to walk 100m to a nearby fruit market resulted in purchase of some Franklins apples. The fuckers were pristine and polished to perfection outside, but completely tasteless and turned brown within three minutes of being sliced open. I'm never buying these cunty things in a supermarket again.


Tankard Rating: Four Steel Tankards

Preferably filled with cider made from some decent apples.

Gaaarn.

Sonny Bill Williams

Fuck off to Froggy Land, I don't fucking care. Why bother honouring contractual obligations? Well played my good man.

Worthy of the first six minutes of last night's prime time news report? I think not.


Tankard Rating: Three AFL Tankards

Gaaarn.

Europcar

Where's the missing fucking 'E' people?

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaarn!



Tankard Rating: Two Engraved Tankards

Carbon Trading Schemes

WTF is the Kevin07 on about anyway? Are they planning to bury deep underground the carbon produced by coal-fired power plants? If my power bill is going up then why not spend the money and build the world's largest solar array out in the middle of Australia? There's plenty of sun out there people... I guess the coal industry wouldn't have it would they? So much for the 'Clever Country'.

P.S. Kevvy: If you're serious about cutting emissions, stop flying overseas every other week ya tool. We've got enough problems here pal - get cracking.

Tankard Rating: One Atomic Wake-Up Tankard

No mess, no fuss. Gaarn.

Scrapbooking

Too much time on your hands? Try scrapbooking. It's gay.

FFS don't get cornered when visiting your mother-in-law when she insists you look through one of these fucking things.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

Put the glue down bitch.

Scientologist Dogs

Fido here was caught trying to contact Lord Xenu. Doesn't he look all embarrassed 'n shit? Damn you L.Ron, this has gone too far...

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards

and a good auditing. Gaarn.

Cats (in general)

I rigged the ceiling fan at home to run backwards, and also at 'ludicrous speed'.

Suffice to say that Mr Kitty didn't stand a chance. Gaaarn!



Tankard Rating: Four Steel Tankards

The only thing Mr Kitty was good for was cheesing anyway.

Suzie Moroney

Suzie's all over the papers / women's mags / A Current Affair this week. Why? I'm glad you asked. Turns out the most interesting thing she's done since coating herself in chicken fat and swimming from Florida to Cuba way back in 1997 is give birth to her first child. However, since she's had such a bad run of luck in the past ten years (brother died, 'banker' husband left one month before newborn arrived, complete lack of chicken fat coated swimming adventures for ten years) all this apparantly makes Suzie newsworthy everywhere. Which fucking shits me no end.

To make matters worse, try finding a photo of this Shire bogan anywhere on Google Image. I did find a photo of a very bored cat, which perfectly expresses my complete indifference to any Suzie news.

P.S. Here's to all the fuckwits at Northies who'll have the chance to pick up little Paris when she's turned sweet sixteen in 2024. "No, mum named me after the city, not Paris Hilton!" Riiiight...

Tankard Rating: Three Shire Tankards

It's where the hobbitses live.

Hillary Clinton

Geez, can't a girl get an even break? Your charismatic husband scores more loose D.C. pussy than Kennedy, you spend multi-millions on a desperate clamber for Democratic candidacy only to beaten by a black man. Then Captain Poopey posts a lovely photo of you wearing stripey slacks / sensible shoes combo. Oh, the humanity.

Tankard Rating: Three U, S & A Tankards

Yeeeeeee-haaaaaa! Garn.

German Tourists

F F S - W T F man?

Tankard Rating: Four Beer Tankards

My eyes! AAAAAAARGH!

Alan Jones

Let's kick the cunt while he's down shall we? I'm sure there's more people happy to hear about his prostate cancer than there are who feel sorry for him. By the way, if I end up with PC myself, I won't call a press conference with sixty reporters then put on a steely resolved performance with a hint of teary eye for effect. You fucking gay drama queen - the doc will whip it out and you'll be polluting the airwaves again in no time at all. You sanctimonious cunt you.

Tankard Rating: One Atomic Tankard

We'll call it 'radiation therapy'. Gaaaaarn.

Leb Homies

This also goes for any homies that aren't black African-Americans. You can all go and get fucked you fucken wannabes. I don't recall any of you being emancipated by Abraham Lincoln.


Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

It'slikeajunglesometimesitmakesmewonderhowIkeepfromgoingunder.

Belinda Neal

Another shot of Belinda scaring the fuck out of people at a Gosford carpark. "Don't you know who I am? Get me another glass of Chardy fucking now!! Roooooooowwwwllll!!!"

What a scary bitch. How do people like this do so well in politics? Do they strategically eat their victims in a carefully planned rise to the top? Us voters are so stoopid.

Tankard Rating: Five leather tankards.

Made from the tanned hides of previous opponents.

Rowl! TISH!! Gaaarn.