Stormtroopers

Stormtroopers have really bad aim. Probably why this one sits down to pee.

Tankard Rating: Three Star Trek Tankards

Make it so!

Brian McFadden

1) Was once a member of boyband 'Westlife'.

2) Left his first bitch and kid for Delta Goodrem.

3) Now fucks Delta Goodrem.

4) Is a cuntface paddy.

5) Cunt!

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards

Number One with a bullet - TISH TISHY TISH!!

Milton Orkopoulos

Hope this fat pedo enjoys all the free bummings.

Glass Rating: 10 Items of Various Glassware

With a saltwater chaser. Gaarn.

An Open Love/Hate Letter to Forza 2

My dear Forza 2,

It was but six weeks ago when I brought you home, and to be perfectly honest, I did not expect very much from you and the other pack-in game that came with the machine. But in the short time that we've spent together, you have somehow managed to become my new object of lust. Our time apart finds me daydreaming of when we will next be together, the next chance we have to spend credits on new upgrades and bringing down those lap times. We have such good times don't we?

On the other hand, Mrs Poopey now wants to 'do something' to the 360, I find myself trying to fiddle the household budget around to somehow justify a new fuck-off 50" plasma, and am seriously contemplating giving Microsoft cash for points to redeem on your downloadable content. I knew I shouldn't have plugged the internet in, and now I'm even more addicted to racing other sad cunts online every chance I get. What's a poor Captain to do? I love you, and I hate you. You sexy minx. I can't stay mad at you...

Glass Rating: Three Crystal Rose thingys

People Who Drive Hyundai Excels with the Rear Fog Lamp ALWAYS ON

One of the best things in life is to be stuck behind one of these cunts on a leisurely drive around Sydney, wondering if your retina will ever recover from being burnt away by the 10,000 watt red foglamp before you. Even if there was a cloud of fog in evidence, you'd be fucked to even see it anymore. This goes for all of the Holden ute and 4WD cunts who insist on using their driving lights that are also carefully maladjusted high to destroy your eyesight. You all suck the choad.


Glass Rating: One Full 'Windcreens O'Brien' Delivery Truck

Turn the fucking things off you wankers. Gnnaaar!

Super Mario

This stupid dago inevitably ends up having to rescue Princess Peach when she's somehow again captured by Bowser (or Donkey Kong if you're old enough to remember). And what does he get in return, some sweet sweet princess pussay? No. Just more fucking cake. Not much of a trade-off for having risked life and limb thousands of times over.



Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards

Gaarn. Blooop bloop bloop!

'Working Families'

"Did you get a 'Pleasure-Vibe 2000' for the missus too Wayne?"









If Rudd or Swan (working families) mention the phrase 'working families' (working families) one more freaking time I'm (working families) gonna go postal and probably RPG (working families) the nearest family-laden Toyota Tarago (working families) with a home-made RPG weapon of Tarago destruction (working families), if only for the sweet satisfaction of removing but one of these so-called working families (working families) from the fucking picture (working families).

It's a fucking stupid thing to say, and we all know what they're implying. But if the Packers have a family and go to work, then they're a working family too. So fucking stop it. There must be another word they could use - besides 'battler'.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarn.

Victoria Beckham

Why not try some of Grant Hackett's KFC? I'm sure he'd part with one of the twenty-four pieces in his bucket.


Glass Rating: One Glass Spice Rack

Silicon not included. Gaarn.

The Toilets at the Beijing Olympics

God love 'em.


Glass Rating: One Wankey Glass Mao Tse-Tung Art Installation

Gaarn.

Grant Hackett's Local KFC

He's supposed to be training for the Olypics 'n shit - stop tempting him with your tasty, tasty chicken. Mmmmm chicken - gnaaar.


Glass Rating: Three 'Chicken Tonight' Glass Chickens

Gaaarn.

The Logies

With 'Underbelly' and 'Newstopia' being the only two examples that spring to mind as worthwhile Australian television, what the fuck are these cunts still doing holding a self-congratulatory fifth-rate Emmies here down under? Kate Ritchie should have got a gold Logie for that dodgey home porno a few years back, not two times for such tawdry pap as 'Home & Away' for fuck's sake.

Why don't they just dress Bert Newton up as Nero and hand him that violin - then flamethrower every useless cunt in the room. And on the fucking red carpet. Wankers.

Glass Rating: Four Ceramic JLB Historical Markers

Paul McCartney's Entire Solo Recording Career*

Cheesy, uninspired Musak. If he'd put down the bong it might have been a better time on AM radio during the 70's, when I was forced to listen to this guff during seemingly never-ending car trips to visit annoying relatives.

* denotes the exception of two songs - Band On The Run (great pissup singalong) & Live And Let Die (even the Gunners couldn't kill it when they tried).

Glass Rating: Four Tankards and some Mull Of Kintyre space cake.

Guest Glassing: Sumo Salad

Barney has emailed and brought to my attention that Sumo Salad is too expensive.

Unless you're a cashed-up rabbit who's done well in the mining boom (they spend a lot of time digging underground yes?) then any salad over $5 can go and get fucked. Not to mention that it's a salad. Which I imagine sumo wrestlers would quickly sidestep to get to that bucket of chicken. I would.

Glass Rating: Three 'Rear Entry' Glass Sumo Coffee Tables.

Not so squeezy! Gaarn.