Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Even fido here didn't like it. One can but only admire his form of expression.


Glass rating: Three Star Trek Tankards

Two extra Glass Jar-Jars optional meesa tinks.

Todd McKenney

Look, we've all had a 'big' long weekend at some point. Some of us even do things we later regret. But passing out in a park, being pinged by the fuzz with a fair amount of GBH then claiming it was 'planted' is a bit much Toddypoohs. Stop being such a Great Big Homo - gnaaaaaaarrrr!


Glass Rating: A buttload of glass vials.

Take it like a man - ahem.

Christian Rock

The time: Friday night.
The place: Abbotsford, British Columbia
The verdict: Even God hates Christian rock.


Tankard Rating: The Pope's Own Wine Tankard

I wonder if someone's made a killer Jesus juice/rum cocktail yet?

Rum - GAAAAARN! On second thoughts...

All the hot air in Canberra this week

Whether it's been that gab/wankfest or a bunch of balloons pissing off vets at the dawn service, geez there's been a lot of hot air around the capital. Not really much more than the usual amount, but certainly a noticable blip on the hot air guageometer. Meh.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

'Come glass with meeeeee, let's glass, let's glass awaaaaaaayyyy!'

The Blues Brothers

Wait. What?

Ifuggenhatethesefuggenuselesscunts. One is stirring Paris Hilton's honeypot so revenge is mine (in the form of itchy, itchy cock herpes. Probably as irritating as their fucking 'music'. How ironic)

Gaaaar.

Tankard Rating: Eight Pottery Tankards

Enjoy your fifteen minutes boys, tick tick tick...

Monday Mornings

Why, God. Why?


Glass Rating: One Coffee Jar - contents mandatory.

Gaarn.

Sean Penn

Used to be married to Madonna. What is he anyway, Irish or Italian? What a cunt - 'nuff said.

Tankard Rating: Six 'Hard as Steel' Steel Tankards

Get over yourself mate.

Staggerlee's Guest Glassing: Dr. Phil

Nice work helping out Britney Spears there pro.

Paging Dr. Phil... paging Dr. Phil... Dr. Phil to the lobby...

TISH! TISH!! TISHTISH!!! Gnaar!

Edward Scissorhands - The Musical

What? Ghey. Ghey ghey ghey ghey ghey.

Tankard rating: Six Highly-Magnetised Steel Tankards

Won't shake these ones off Eddie! Gaaaarn!!

Lleyton Hewitt

Stop yelling at your hand you fuckwit. Mummy took the sock puppet off it years ago.

Look, if there was a two or three minute length of time where Lleyton was playing tennis and looked as though he was enjoying himself, I'd be happy to watch. As it is, he's way way too fucking intense. I'd rather barrack for that Cyprian dude anyday, he looks like he might have a sense of humour. Remove that carrot Lley-lley, it's time to smile.

P.S. If a vapid Home & Away star tries to get you in the sack, always check the frangers. Oops.

Glass Rating: One Solid Glass Tennis Trophy

Comeooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnn!!!!

Gnaaar.

The Rings Around Uranus

No, wait. I think I've got that title arse about... Meh.


Tankard Rating: One Roman Tankard.

Didn't they invent plumbing? Garrrn.

The 'Low Fuel' Light in Lara Bingle's Car

This poor excuse for a fuel warning light just didn't do it's job properly. Sure, it was blinking away for thirty minutes while Ms. Bingle and her posse drove past many suburban petrol stations on their way to whatever they were fuckarseing about to but hey - if the little bastard had put a bit more effort in and maybe blinked a bit longer, maybe she might have noticed it and done something about it. Poor old Pup could have strained his poofer valve pushing her SUV halfway to Cronulla but what the hey? It's not like cricket fans would have cracked the shits if he had.

I'm glad Lara doesn't fly light aircarft, that's all I'm saying.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

Come on Ford, let's see you guys idiot proof a Territory. Heh!

Boys Town Gang

WTF? Looks like it might be a bit, er, ghey.

This must be the record that sits at the back of someone's record collection that gets pulled out and split up when they get divorced. For finally revealing to the wife that they're really really ghey 'n stuff.


Tankard Rating: Five 'Leatherman' Tankards

The Village People would be very very proud. Ahem..

Madonna (and child)

Look Madonna, everything that you're doing - just stop doing it would you? Nobody cares anymore.


















If you spent a little time & money having your daughter waxed, the world would be a much better place. I'm just saying.

Tankard Rating: One Atomic Tankard

It might be the only thing that can stop the evil old harpy.

Gnnnaaaaaar!

Nick D'Arcy

How come no one has mentioned the term 'roid rage' as yet? Someone needs testing stat!

He'll be d'arsey one if he can resurrect his 'career'. Heh! Did you see what I did there? Gold!!


Tankard Rating: The Tin Plated 100m 'Beijing Dropout' Award


Chill the fuck out 'Slugger' - Gaaaarn.

The same five shit songs played at a wedding reception

D.J. consults his list... "Hmmm...", he thinks to himself, "wonder what I should play next?".

1) 'Oh, What A Night' - The Four Seasons
2) 'The Grease Megamix' - Bunch of Greasy Cunts
3) 'It's Raining Men' - Weather Girls
4) 'When a Man Loves a Woman' - Percy Sledge
5) 'Some Shit By Whitney Houston' - Whitney Houston

As if having to spring for a wedding gift and suit isn't bad enough. Then you're sat next to an accountant named Nigel and his lovely (meh) wife who regale you for the next three hours with amazing stories about their amazing children. In the midst of all that you get the fish, not the chicken. And then after all that and some crappy unrehearsed speeches you have to hear these same five fucking songs at a sound level so distorted that you want to spike the DJ's drink with eight roofies and take over music duties yourself.

Tankard rating: Nine Pewter Tankards and a bouquet for all the single fat bitches. Aaaaaaaaaaar!

Coryms's Guest Glassing: Tooth Tunes

Chinese-made 'dental hygiene' device which is capable of transmitting the Black Eyed Peas directly into the user's auditory lobe. Check out the awesome range of tunes avaliable.

I smell a rat. The Black Eyed Peas are bad enough, but who's to say that communist forces aren't subliminally introducing pinko ideas in the frontal lobes of our impressionable teeth-brushing tots? It's time America nuked China. Before the domino theory occurs 'n stuff. They used to hate Commies didn't they? It'll cheer up those Tibetans no end too. Happy times!


Glass Rating: Three Glass Toothbrush Holders

Gaaaaaarn.

The fish that John West reject

Clearly have rejection (and ugliness) issues. Therefore should be glassed.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards

Back into the briney with ye! Gaaaarn.