People who missed the point of Earth Hour

Anyone who celebrated 'Earth Hour' by turning the telly off and jumping in their cars to drive into town to see the darkened city - you're a bunch of fucken idiots.

Tankard Rating: Four Recycled Glass Tankards

Don't forget your clean-burning wax candles...

Celine Dion

Doctors have 'forced' Celine to not perform this week due to her irritated sinuses.

Captain Poopey would like lawyers to 'force compensation' on behalf of the rest of the world due to our irritated eardrums.

Curse your black heart Celine Dion, and your 87 year old weirdo husband too.

Glass Rating: Ten Items of miraculously non-shattered glassware in Celine's vicinity.

"My glass will go on" - gaaaaarn.

Chocolate Rain

This thing won the 'Best Music Video' on YouTube last week. As usual, I'm way behind what's happening on the infernmanet. Stupidly (in retrospect) I checked it out. While it's great to see that Webster has moved on, now I need something equally moronic for my head to cancel out the retarded piano figure, as well as the 'catchy as herpes' way he keeps repeating the title. Go away Chocolate Rain and your crypic lyrics.

For a better experience, check out Chad Vader's version.


Glass Rating: One large coffee jar. Goes nicely with some chocolate.

Gaaarn.

Jana Rawlinson (nee Pittman)

What a kerfuffle. Jana turns up for training at her track to discover that the Bulldogs are already there throwing a footy around the middle. She then bitches that her 'Beijing gold medal hopes' could be dashed by a wayward football erroneously landing on the running track. The way I see it:

a) To clear a football would involve a jump somewhere between 15-30cm off the ground.

b) The bitch is fucking running, so how hard can it be?

c) She's a fucking 400m hurdles champion!

d) If she can't see and dodge a stationary football then why isn't she a part of the Special
Olympics?

Stop your whining you skanky drama queen. It's not like what you do matters anyway.

Glass rating: Eleven Glass Tankards

Fuck off and die. Gaaarn.

The Dick Smith Wizzard

When all my other mates got an Atari 2600 for Christmas 1982, mum and dad bought me one of these - the Dick Smith Wizzard. Have a go at it. Yes, it's got faux wood panelling on either side, not to mention a righteous 16K of RAM backed with it's throbbing powerhouse 2MHz processor. Dick Smith were a cunning lot back in the day, and the games they released for this shiteful machine were dodgey rip offs of the real thing: Pac-Man had morphed into a maze based chicken chased by foxes now called 'Crazy Chicky'. Donkey Kong was now a pixellated mess named 'Jail Jump'. And no, I've not quite forgiven my parents as yet. I probably spent a good year of my childhood waiting for those cassette games to load.

Yes I still have it and it's awful cassette module. Should I eBay the bastard?




Tankard Rating: Six 'Electronic Dick' Tankards

Gaaarn!!

Hot Cross Buns on NYE

Don't get me wrong, I'm not down on the hot cross bun in itself. They're quite tasty nicely warmed up and hit with a splodge of butter. Furthermore, the idea of celebrating the crucifixion of someone who may or may not have existed in bun form appeals to my sense of the absurd.

I only want to eat hot cross buns at Easter. Not New Year's Eve when these start to appear on the supermarket shelves. Don't get me started on the chocolate bunnys appearing in January either - meh!


Glass Rating: One Nervous Bunny in a Glass Beaker

Tish! Gaarn!!

Mel Gibson's Beard

"Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You want to get out of here? You talk to my beard."

Coo-coo as a Swiss clock.

Tankard Rating: Three glass tankards and a sponsorship deal from Schick.

Aaaarrrr.

Deni Hines

1) Illegitimate spawn of Marcia Hines.

2) Fucken shits me to tears every single time that I see her on telly or in the papers.

3) The Rockmelons were shit. And everything else she's done since is shit too.

See what's coming Deni? That's G - L - A - S - S Glass!

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

You go girl!

People who put on weight on 'The Biggest Loser'

Rowl, I think I'm in love. Put the fork down baby, let's get it on.


Glass Rating: One Large Carboy of Liposuction Juice

We call it 'Fatzo's Oil'.

Kirsten Dunst

Overrated. Fug. Glassed.




Tankard rating: Three glass tankards

That's one for each Spider-Man film.

Gaaaarn!

The Chamberlains

Wow, Michael Chamberlain actually kept the yellow Torana that was tested for his daughter Azaria's blood. And used it for his son's wedding car.

That's pretty fucked up. I've got three words of advice for the lovely bride - Run bitch! Run!!

I still reckon Ernie Dingo did it.

Tankard Rating: Six Steel Tankards.
One extra if you count seeing Meryl Streep in that awful movie version. Gaaarn.

Jacko's Recording Career

My best mate Jason gave me the 12" extended 'Prawn Mix' version of this for my birthday back in 1985. I'm sure that he thought it was hilarious but I knew he had simply been a cheaparse motherfucker and had found this heap of vinyl shit in the bargain bin at Brashs. What a cunt. If you haven't heard it and really feel the need to annoy your eardrums, click this link here. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards.
One extra if you include 'The Highwayman' in the voting. Gaarn.

Prostate Cancer

Sam Newman's back in the news today, but for once I have to sympathise with the silly cunt. My dad went through this prostate cancer bullshit last year and it sucked. My old man ended up giving cancer the finger, which ironically is what the oncologist did to find the cancer in the first place. He's doing great and we're very very glad to have him around.

Fuck you prostate cancer.


Glass Rating: One Fully Loaded Double-Glazing Delivery Truck

Gaaaar.

Xue Nai Yin

What a royale cuntox.

Quote of the day: When told Xue was an apparent martial arts expert, Bender replied: "Not today, he wasn't."

Glass Rating: Our highest glassing - 11 out of 10 items of glassware stat.

Gaarn.

The Carpet Court Jester

Jesters are meant to be funny aren't they? In this case I beg to differ. And $50 says you can't really play that lute - ya clown. I want some olde-worlde merrie tunes for my serving wenches to strip to. Aaaar.


Tankard Rating: Five Henry VIII Tudor-style Tankards

Off with his head! Bring me another jester!! Gaaaaarn.

Cutie - "The Snuggle Song" & Other Mobile Atrocities

I must have seen this on telly at least three hundred times this week. Serves me right for taking the week off and reading a good book with afternoon telly on in the background...

Just dial 19 12 12 or whatever fucking number it is and download this glass-inducing rodent onto your mobile. Or not. You'd have to be a lobotomised halfwit. If you're reading this and wondering what the hell I'm on about, click this link here and check out what must be the original German version. Do not click the link if you're diabetic - you have been warned.

On the other hand, if you are into this kind of gay shit and enjoy paying whatever exhorbitant price they charge in the fine print at the bottom of the screen, then why not also subscribe for the 'Worlds Most Intense Phone Vibration Alert' (one for the ladies there), or SMS where the ball has ended up in the shell game. Hint - IT'S THE MIDDLE ONE! I watched the replay twenty eight times!! Go for gold and download a fake police call message alert informing you that the NAB on Kings Cross Road is being held up! Your friends will think the police need your help!! If your friends also suffer from retardation!!

Actually, my nephew has Down's and what I just said would be offensive to him and his peeps.

Shit like this leaves me little hope for modern man. He's slowly dumbing himself down more each year.

Tankard Rating: Nine Stainless Tankards and some form of mobile phone myxomatosis for that rabbit.

Gaaarn.