Moonlighting Jim

Mrs Poopey & I have been on the road this week, and this is the second thing I saw down in sunny Holbrook, NSW - after that fucking huge black submarine that's parked itself next to the Hume Highway. Take a peep at that 'Jolly Swagman' on the sign there - I can't believe that Jim from Jim's Mowing is running a dodgey motel. Is it simply a case of Jim mixing it up a bit, or has he taken his accountant's tax avoidance advice too far? You be the judge...


Tankard Rating: One tin tankard of BP's finest 2-stroke.

See you out on the highway people: Aaaarr.

Darrell Eastlake

Ex-sportcaster probably best known here in Oz for being an over-excited boofhead who used the adjective "HUUUUUUUGE!!!" an awful lot. Perhaps a 'huge' amount of times.

Nowadays spends his time recording ads for Australian Fleet Sales, flogging used cars on finance to those who probably can't afford the repayments anyway. Call today and you go in to "Darrell's Barrel" - the lucky name pulled out weekly saves $1000 on the interest payments! Ooo de lolly.


Tankard Rating: One wooden tankard (finance pre-approved)

I couldn't use glass on this one because it tended to shatter before I could get close to big Darrell's booming commentary. Garn.


P.S. Me hearties, the Captain will be off for a few days. See you when I see you - aaaaar.

The carefully posed & photoshopped MySpace Emo/Goth Photo

Ooooooh - is it Trent Reznor?

No? Is it The Crow??

No? Is it the younger and thinner Robert Smith somehow returned via a tear in the space/time vortex??

No. It's a ghey emo/goth dude (I can't tell the fucking difference) on MySpace.

Don't go changin' man.


Tankard Rating: One 'All the fat goth girls you can handle' tankard.

Garn.

Chumbawamba

DIE!!!

Glass Rating: One high-speed glass delivery truck.

When they get glassed down, they won't be getting up again.

Gaarn.

All of the 2nd hand games at EB Roselands

When Poopey the cheap-arse gamer gets the urge, he needs some quality second hand XBox/PS2 goodness to feed the machine. To anyone thinking of dropping in to EB Roselands, take note: The selection was Fucking Woeful. Five copies of Driv3r at $26.95 each?? Methinks not EB! I bet the gormless tools that traded in something decent like GTA-VC got $5 a pop. No wonder the selection is so crappy.

Thank God for eBay.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

and a copy of 'Glassing Frenzy' on Wii -

Have at you! Tish tish tish!! Aaaarrrrr.

90% of Ute Drivers

At least three times a week I'll see some tradie driving his kitted-out Holden/Falcon ute who thinks he's Michael Schumaker fly past me on Southern Cross Drive doing twice the speed limit and swerving between the traffic with inches to spare. It must be a real bitch trying to get to Bunnings before the doors open. They all seem to wear their green P plates as a badge of honour "hey check it out, just got my licence back after that 14th drink driving charge!".

I wish I had the technical wherewithal to build and mount an underbonnet ute-seeking missile system to the Poopmobile. I'd surgically take out each and every one of these motherfuckers with extreme predjudice.

Tankard Rating: Six 'Nerves of Steel' Tankards forged from the twisted wreckage of James Dean's Porsche.

Coles "you'll love" Range

My main concern is that if I 'love' this blender too much it will puree my dick. Which would be nasty.

Every time we hit Coles they've replaced everyday items with their own branded shit. This week I noticed they'd gone hard in the chocolate aisle (is that a euphemism?) and brought out their own replacements for Bounty, Maltesers, Mars bars, Kit Kats & Snickers "fun" packs. What the fuck? Are they made in the same factories? I wanted to check but the original versions had fucking disappeared from the shelves.

To add insult to injury - check out the dorks they got to appear on the various packagings. I want to glass them if only for their overall smugness. 'Bob loves Coles fettucini' Fuck you Bob - Gaaarn.

Note to Coles: You're a supermarket chain. You're meant to sell shit, not make it. And bringing in imported copies of local produce then not stocking the good local shit is not on - support the people who've got you this far over the past century in Australia.

Yes - we check the labels and no, we don't buy the imported shit. So there.

Glass Rating: "Pricecheck on 11 various pieces of glassware!"

I can even get these through the 12 items or less aisle. Happy times!

Goncalo Salgueiro

I clicked the 'Next Blog' button up the top and this is what came up.

Possibly the gheyest thing I've seen since Carson Cressley touched up my toy poodle.


Glass Rating: One huge beer enema.

On second thoughts he might enjoy it...

Sunday Life Magazine

Ah, the joys of kicking back Sunday morning with the sunday papers... If the 28 pages of 'socialites' enjoying themselves on someone else's tab doesn't fill you enough with the urge to commit arson, for fuck's sake don't open the colour magazine that comes wedged inside the paper.

You will not (or possibly could not) find more wankery distilled into a 36 page publication. If the puff piece about the cover star doesn't do it for you, you've still got a guide to which $2000 shoes and handbags are in style this week. There's the cooking section to show you another 18 ways to use that couscous in jus (FFS). Then you've got a lobotomised anorexic model staring vacantly into space for four pages flogging some shit most people wouldn't be seen dead (or malnourished) in. To top it off there's a page devoted to some fashion/tv/home improvement nobody basically listing their '10 favourite things'. Who gives a rat's ass? (besides a rat of course)

Fucking wankers.


Tankard Rating: Six Steel Tankards


Gaaaaaarn!