Wayne Carey

Attacking glamours with wine glasses Waynipoohs?

Leave the glassings to us pal.


Glass Rating: Two Glasses of 'Shut the fuck up bitch I'm off to anger management classes tish-tish-tish!'

Gratuitous, I know.

Dino

Dino shits me. It's not just that Hanna-Barbera presenting stone-age man as having domesticated a purple dinosaur is a howling anachronistic conundrum in itself, it's also those little black flippers. What the hell are they? And how did Dino escape extinction when all his other Jurassic-era buddies did not? I ask you...


Tankard Rating: One Stone Age Tankard

Gaarn.

Jason Lee / Nigga Chipmunks

Jason Lee? Surely not worthy of a glassing Capt Poopey -
why?



















Cause he's sold out to a trio of nigga wannabe chipmunks. Last I checked they were singing doo-wop, aren't the kids into that anymore? Bo-selectah!

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards

That's one each! I rock at maths!! Gaaaarrr.

Maria Sharapova

SHUT THE HELL UP!!!


Glass rating: One Glass Tennis Trophy to the esophagus

Game, set and match Captain Poopey.

Much Ado About... Nothing

Ok, let's see... Heath Ledger's dead. What do Sunrise do?

a) Put Mel on a 12 hour flight to Hollywood.
b) Despatch 'flamboyant Hollywood reporter' Gaylord Whatshisname from Hollywood to New York.
c) Promote Natalie 'I look like a freshly hatched baby bird' Barr from the news desk to sit next to Kochie.

Kochie crosses to Mel: "So, what's the news on Heath there Mel?"
Mel: "Well, fuck all really Kochie. Word on the street is apparantly 'inconclusive'. Boy, I'm tired. Ooh look - Rodeo Drive stores!"

Kochie crosses to Gaylord Whatshisname: "So what's the news on Heath there G.W?"
G.W.: "We won't know any fucking thing for probably two weeks. The buzz word is 'inconclusive' and fuck me it's colder than a witch's tit out here."

Kochie turns to freshly hatched baby bird and says: "Yes, we'll be crossing back to Mel and Gaylord every ten minutes for Heath's forensics result updates..." Freshly hatched baby bird says: "aaaaaarrrk!"

Put this one down with the other zero information stories given blanket coverage by news starved networks (Beaconsfield springs to mind). What a bunch of sad cunts.

Tankard Rating: 9 Steel Tankards

Get over yourselves! Gaarn.

Your local video rental shop

$20 says that if you walk in to your local video store they'll still have 'Ghostbusters' on the 'New Release' shelf.

Cunts.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards and some dangerously stale bagged popcorn.

Enos from The Dukes of Hazzard

Kinda sounds the same as 'anus' don't it? Wakka wakka.

I always hated Enos. Check out his website.

Don't forget to vote if you've always wanted his spinoff series released on DVD. Oh the humanity.

Tankard Rating: Four Tankards of Uncle Jesse's moonshine.

Those Duke boys are in a mess 'o trouble.

Everyone in this video

FFS, click this link if you haven't seen it. I hope that they all got permission from mum first to run around the forest.

Glass Rating: One Flask of Ultimate Geek +5

Anti-Glass - The Dunlop Volley Musical Hand Farty Man

I was chowing down breakfast just before 6am this morning and feeling vaguely suicidal about facing workday #14, 2008 when a man came on the telly and hand-farted the Mexican Hat Dance. It's all the pursuasion I needed to hide the sharp objects as I've been known to giggle like a schoolgirl when it comes to toilet humour. So, at the risk of upsetting the delicate balance of this normally negative blog, here's the first ever Anti-Glass for the hand farting man flogging Volleys. You're a fucking star.



Here's some glass roses dude - don't go changing.

Corey 'Party Boy' Delaney

Apologies for the obviousness of this glassing.

I can't recall whether or not Han Solo had yellow sunnies when he was on Hoth, but keep rockin' that look dude. Oh, and rethink your sixth bong. Nice work.


Glass Rating: One Glass Carboy full of dodgey homebrew.

That should get the next party started dude.

Nicole Kidman / Keith Urban

Front page news twice last week? FFS.

She makes crap films, he makes boring records.

And now she's up the duff? Just a small note to the constantly fawning media:

- I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care -

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way... The way the media goes on it's almost as if the two kids she adopted years ago don't count. "Aww, sorry kids, you're adopted and that means you're not anywhere near as loved as this biological number in the oven here." The poor fuckers are probably being brainwashed by daddy's alien-worshipping cult as we speak. What a rough deal.

There's so much botox in her system that she's probably miscarry anyway.



Tankard Rating: One Baby Christening Tankard

Aaaarrrrr.

HIH's Ray Williams

I reckon there should be a law passed that mandatorially removes at least half of these cunt's 'nest eggs' hidden away under the wife's name to pay back the thousands of people that their ineptitude/corruption has ripped off. Smiley here walks out of a white collar prison after three years to enjoy the rest of his life in luxury. Probably in the fucking Bahamas.

Cunt.


Tankard Rating: Nine 'Golden Handshake' Engraved Tankards

9am with David & Kim

David: "It's 9! Where's the blow??"

Kim: "I think the Video Hits kids got it first."

David: "Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!!"






One of the few reasons it's good to be at work being poopenschafted by the PTB is that I don't find myself sitting around at home trying to find something to watch at 9 in the morning. This did not apply over the Christmas break, when I stumbled onto this little number. You've got David "my brother's the successful rock star, not me - grrr" Reyne, interviewing guests in his charmingly belligerent style, teamed up with Kim "make it a mixed dozen please luv" Watkins hoeing into the day's first glass of red when the cooking segment kicks off around 9:25.

Painful.


Tankard rating: Four glass tankards - now here's Moira...

(The) Chad Kroeger

There's a knock at the door. "Come in!" I say, and Carlos Santana walks in, guitar case in hand. "Good morning Carlos, come right in and sit down man." There's a second knock at the door, and again I say "come in", and ex-Nickleback frontman Chad Kroeger opens the door. I stand up and ask somewhat nonplussedly of Chad, "heeey - what's going on dude?".

The Chad replies, "I'm here to record with Santana man, where's the mic?". My pithy answer to this is to pull out Phil Spector's Glock from under the console and say "there's no fucking way you Paddlepop Lion lookalike cunt - get out!". I then fire two warning shots into Chad's head. Blam blam!! That's for thinking you're Kurt Cobain and missing the whole point that Kurt wasn't trying to be a macho redneck rapist you Canadian fuck.

This was the dream I had last night in which I was a record producer. I think I've heard that 'away away' song one time too many...

Glass Rating: Ten Items of Mixed & Mounted Glassware

There's enough here for the rest of Nickleback too. I hate those cunts.

Big W's Price Tag Stickers

So you've got that $50 out of that Christmas card your brother gave you burning a hole in your pocket while you're wandering around Big W with all the other zombified consumers, and you see a Classic Albums DVD for the crazy price of $9.94 which last year was nearly $30. Awesome! I'll have that... Shit - there's 'Number Of The Beast' as well! Happy times!














Then you get home, fire up the home theatre, grab a coldie out of the fridge, and spend the next ten minutes trying to get Big W's world's fucking stickiest and most jizzy residue depositing price sticker / security sticker off of your shiny new DVD purchase. I could use this shit as fly paper.














Fuck you Big W. Buy some nicer non-superglue stickers you cunts! And a big fuck you to the manufacturers who don't shrink-wrap their CD/DVD covers. Grrrrrrrrrr!!











Tankard Rating: Four Fender Glass Tankards

'Oh well, whatever, nevermind'

Muttiah Muralitharan

I did some poking around the interwebs this summer because to be honest I really know fuck all about this guy. After a good ten minutes or so I realised that Staggers was right, Muttiah is a fucking chucker. And a gurner, as it turns out.


Glass Rating: One Glazed Talking Booney

"Get that golliwog off me lawn..."

International Roast Coffee

Ah, the joys of being 'back to work'. The 'Powers That Be' (PTB) here made a faux-pas on the Officeworks supplies order and as I'm presently typing at you I'm enjoying the rich tasty tastiness of a steaming cup of International Roast.

'Smooth & Satisfying'?? What a cup of shite. If I had to hazard a guess I'd say that IR consists of all the unused coffee grindings shovelled up from the floor of the bilge area of the humungous tankers that bring decent coffee here, which are then lovingly dried out, sifted, and ground into even smaller dusty granules by a Casey Donovan powered millstone (label warning: This product may contain traces of Casey Donovan sweat and/or gravy).

I'm taking one for the team and finishing the whole canister off, if only because I love abusing my kidneys. If we don't go back upmarket next time (Moccona - whoa dude!) I'll be very cross.



Glass Rating: One Coffee Jar (filled with decent coffee)

This dude

Happy New Year biotches!! Let's get the 2008 season off to a flying start with this dude. To be honest, I had been wondering what happened to Neil Diamond... what a shame.




















All comments and glassing suggestions welcome.


Glass Rating: One whisky bottle in a brown paper bag.

Gnaaar!