'The Poo'

The cheerleader from the 'reality dating show' didn't pan out.

The knee's still fucked.

Can't win a game for love or money.

Got beat by crusty ol' McEnroe (chortle)

Just give it up man. My advice - stick to banging that endless supply of hot chicks. Much less embarrassing than what happens on the tennis court.


Glass Rating: One Solid Crystal Tennis Trophy delivered
atop one of Saddam's old SCUD missiles. BAM!

Replacing Glass for Plastic Schooners

WTF? I like my summer beers in a cold schooner glass, thank you very much.

Half the point of going out drinking late Saturday night is the possible thrill of witnessing fuckwits glass each other isn't it? My local hasn't been the same since the poncy renovations...

Plastic cups? Glassed!! Aaaar!!!

Glass Rating: Four Glass Tankards administered by a buxom Oktoberfest serving wench.

Gaaarn.

The Aria Award

Celebrating Aussie musical mediocrity for far too many years. Missy Higgins? FFS..


Here's Five Leather Tankards made from Rose Tattoo's recycled stage gear.

Ryan's "Fruit Rocket"

Take a peep at this new Woolworths promo meant to get kids interested in eating fruit & veg, then tell me it wasn't written and directed by a fucking paedophile. Dodgey as.

WTF Woolies? WTF??


Tankard Rating: Six Kinko The Klown Tankards

Meg White

The big floppy tits are meant to distract me from your shit drumming aren't they?

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards.

I took one off for 'Seven Nation Army'. The rest of the Stripe's
back catalogue is overrated shite.

WSFM's "Rocktober"

You're still playing the same forty fucking songs you always do. There's got to be at least another forty Fleetwood Mac/Phil Collins/Foreigner tracks you could be playing instead of the usual playlist suspects ya cunts.

On a more philosophical note, which came first: Queen's 'Killer Queen' or Foreigner's 'Cold as Ice'? I swear to God apart from the lyrics the two tunes are identical.

Tankard Rating: Four of Blondie's Heart Of Glass Tankards.

Gaarn.

Digital Television Network Watermarks

You've gone and invested in a shiny new widescreen digital television, yet the networks insist on placing their shitful network logo way off the right hand border, so that geriatric pensioners with older 4:3 sets can remember which crappy channel they've landed on. Don't get me started on how they promised the watermarks would be barely noticeable and nicely translucent. About as believable as what they said about their ads not being 30dB louder than the regular programming. Cunts.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards
and the full wrath of Mary Kostakidis.

Crappy Halloween Costumes

Umm, crappy. I'm confused.











Err, literally crappy. I think.











What's all this then?









And now my penis wants to go to 'the dark side'.


It's all confused.




Tankard Rating: Two Glass Tankards.

Aaar.

Scat Porn Shoe Fuckers

WTF?

On second thoughts that's a better band name than 'James Blunt'.



Tankard Rating: One "Ooh - Scary" Tankard

The Chaser's Julian Morrow

Mate, you're the weakest link in the cast. The 'Infringement Officer' thing was funny perhaps the first ten times last year. Last week's "escalator patrol" was fucking cringeworthy. And appropriating store P.A. systems to make your own announcements was funny ten years ago when Tom Green did it. You suck.

Furthermore, I just found out your middle names are 'Francis Xavier'. You smug looking wanker.

Here's Four Glass-Bottomed Tankards.

Try writing me a ticket for that. Gnaaar!

Ben Cousins

That's a Brownlow Medal Ben, not a Brownstone Medal. Drugs are bad m'kay.

Both NRL & AFL players need day jobs again, and realistic salaries to boot. The cocaine lifestyle and endless nightclub binges don't sit well with the deluded fans whose children look up to some of these fuckwits. I know it's only a few bad apples but hey, it seems to be much more prevalent these days. I've never followed AFL but I know who Ben Cousins and Chris Mainwaring are, for all the wrong reasons. You've all got hot bitches throwing themselves at you, get a grip and get off the gear people.



Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards with a
complimentary John Belushi Speedball Chaser (c)

Marc Anthony

Sometimes I just don't understand why people end up attracted to a particular person. Mrs Poopey and I have a friend who had been seeing this married bloke for nearly ten years and he only recently left his wife/two kids to be with 'the scarlet woman'. He's left behind his family, a huge house and a successful business which he worked endless hours for, to now live in a one bedroom flat. His wife and kids hate him, the ex-wife has gone off and blown probably close to $100,000 on jewellry and crap for herself. Despite my natural urge to stick up for my fellow man (soildarity, brother) frankly, I'm on the ex-wife's side on this one.This dude is 40 but looks 55. And everytime we visit these two I sit there and wonder "what the fuck does she see in him?" (and vise versa). It's fucked up man.
.












Anyway, I reckon J-Lo married Gomez from The Addams Family. What a creepy looking muthafukka.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards
and some 'taco-flavoured kisses'.

Cameron Diaz

I know they're heavy babe, but give 'em back will ya?

There's no point trying to force me to give you 'the pleasure' you wide mouthed frog.

(Garrrn)


Tankard Rating: One 'I Survived My Crazy Stalker'
Commemorative Tankard

The Howard Government's Sudden Turnaround on Aboriginal Reconciliation

Nigga please!

There's no way that this is a re-election stunt.


Tankard Rating: One Scratch'n'Sniff Petrol Tin

The Government Internet Filter

Kudos to the teenage bedroom computer pr0n enthusiast who wanted his pr0ns with no fuss. Only took him 30 minutes to bypass the $189,000,000 Government internet filter thingy.

Look at all of those zeros. Makes me proud to see luddite ministers/advisors pissing away our tax dollars on shit they have no grasp of.

Tankard Rating: One 'Easy Clean' Bukkake Tankard.

Aaaarrr.

The Bali Bombing Conspirators

Locate anus. Insert garden hose. Insert barbed wire. Remove garden hose. Remove barbed wire.




Then apply this Display Case of Tankards.

Cunts.

Amy Winehouse

Don't know what all the fuss is about this vision of pulchritude and luminosity - I saw her on Parkey a few weeks ago and it sounded like a drag queen gargling marbles. Could not understand a single word she was singing. I'd give it a 5% chance of industrial deafness on my behalf, however, the balance percentage strongly suggests that she's an overrated skank.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards and a
smack/X/special K/speedball/Neurofen chaser.
Gnaaar!

The Taliban

It's the 21st Century you fucking throwback cunts. Wake the fuck up.

Tankard Rating: Ten items of mixed glassware packed
into an anally inserted improvised explosive device.

Simon Binks

Ex Australian Crawl guitarist gets on the piss, decides to drive home while three times over the limit, hilarity ensues.

Decides to sue the local council for not clearly signposting the roundabout that was under repair, not to mention the power pole which obviously jumped out before him in an unexpected fashion, causing his brain damage.

Sorry dude, I'm on the council's side this time. You're a fuckwit, just be glad that you didn't kill anyone you dickhole.


Tankard Rating: Six Steel Tankards

'Errol' would have been proud.

Aaaaar...

Anal Bleaching

A bit 'high maintenance' isn't it dear?

There must be some fussy brown-wingers out there...


Tankard Rating: One 'Best Man' Tankard

Peter Garrett M.P.

Back in high school I got into the Oils after hearing '10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1' for the first time. Their following album 'Red Sails in the Sunset' cemented what became a lifelong respect for a band which, despite obvious political leanings, displayed what seemed to be a deep conviction for the issues of the time, as uncompromising as their sound was when in full flight.

Pete, I'm sure I'm not the only person who had hoped you'd make a difference when you joined that major party. It's time to pull your finger out and say what you mean dude - fuck towing the party's line. If you don't do it, who the hell else will? In two hundred years time the greatest country on the face of this planet will be nothing more than an abandoned open-cut mine site populated by fifty million unemployed bogans fighting each other over scarce water supplies. Yes, even worse than Mad Max 3. Oh, the humanity.


Tankard Rating: Four Fender Guitar Tankards

(Just a friendly wakeup glassing Petey)

The Backup Singer that says "uuuuuuuuh"

Predictably standard rap/R&B rhythmic technique :

a) Lead singer/rapper drops a line of ghetto wisdom

b) Backup singer/rapper says "uuuuuuh".

c) Lead singer/rapper drops a line about biatches/bling/his pimp cup/AK47/Biggie

d) Backup singer/rapper says "yeeee-ah".

You sound like a constipated retard. Please stop it. I guess being even less talented than a rapper and finding yourself a gig as sonic window dressing should be punishment enough. However, you're probably getting one hundred times more pussy than I can ever imagine, so here's some glass - hope y'all be lyin' in chalk homes.

Honourable Excemption: I did't mind when Cypress Hill did it. They were the shit.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards of gin & juice.

Uuuuuuuuuh.

1970's Catalogue Models

'Hello ladies'

Is this where the whole AIDS thing started?

Studio 54 has much to answer for.







Tankard Rating: Two Glass Tankards and a tube of Preparation H.

Gaarn.

Floriade

I just spent 80% of my long weekend working on mine and the inlaws' gardens and lawns. Poopey has found that:

1. Gardening is ghey.
2. Everyone at Flower Power is ghey (and apparently very cashed up)
3. Everyone at Bunnings is ghey.
4. Our local council not giving us a 'green bin' is ghey.
5. Finding yourself remembering names of plant species is both concerning and ghey.

Therefore: Floriade must be ghey. Fuck you Floriade.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards and a bag of 'Moo Poo'.

Gaarn.