Jessica Rowe

As if another season of 'Dancing With The Stars' was not bad enough.

I thought that following Eddie's boning and that huge sum of money you were paid to disappear from Nine I'd feel safe turning on the telly and not having to see your anorexic face again. Thank God we have two TVs here on the Poop Deck, or I'd be arguing with Mrs Poopey who just loves to watch the 'stars' poofing around a dancefloor like their lives depended upon it. Christ.

Skeletor, shouldn't you be home in Sydney looking after your newborn rather than polluting the airwaves from a Melbourne TV studio? Hope those many hours of dance rehearsal aren't cutting into your precious bonding time with bubs. Just take the money and run - you have nothing at all of interest to contribute to the world of entertainment.

Tankard Rating: Nine Pewter Tankards

Arrrr.

Hangovers (Part II)

Normal service will resume shortly...

Urrg.









Tankard Rating: Three Ceramic Tankards and a good lie down.

"The Journey"

If I hear 'The Joker', 'Maaaahsha' or 'Tard Face' use the term 'the journey' about the off-key singers on this abortion of a show once more I'll, I'll... well here's a glassing you useless has-beens.

If the glorified karaoke contestants appearing had completed the following steps I'd consider their path to stardom a 'journey'. Here we go:


1) Buys guitar/keyboard/flugelhorn/vocal lessons.
2) Spends five to ten years learning to play chosen instrument/sing properly.
3) Forms rock/pop/metal/acid jazz/Peruvian mouth singing combo with fellow local aspiring musos.
4) Plays a shitload of gigs/Busks in echoey railway tunnels/pays dues/becomes musically interesting.
5) Gets headhunted by A&R people of various labels.
6) Makes shitload of money then snorts the vast majority of it of groupies asses.
7) Dies young in a questionable auto-erotic asphyxiation episode.

The only journeys the following Idol contestants have been on are:





To Bingo.









(Pictured left) - To Hungry Jacks

(Pictured right) - To Glory Hole Theme Park





A six-month process involving an audition, twenty two-minute performances and a pre-produced CD just in time for Christmas does not a Journey make. You hacks.

Tankard Rating: Six Pewter Tankards (with a bullet).

Now here's Molly...

Andre Rieu

Fiddler?

Kiddy fiddler??

Your thoughts please.




Tankard Rating: Two Glass Tankards in the key of 'G'.

Garn.

Guest Glassing for Staggers: Laura Norman

Greedy bitch.

It wouldn't have been that hard living with a guy who made squillions despite choking on the most important hole of the tournament was it?? I'm getting a Freudian inkling that the underlying problem here is that Greg found other holes besides yours more important. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... (strokes chin thoughtfully).

These people have so much money that it makes me snarkey just watching them squabble over it. There's enough there to go around. Even if Greg is a pants-man, just shut up, take the money and get over it. People change.




Tankard Rating: Four PGA Tankards and the
keys to two LearJets. You greedy greedy woman. Gaarn.

Nasal Delivery Technology

Thank God 'Little Poopey' works just fine.



If I was in the mood to bang out 'The Barber Of Seville' on piano with my pecker, the only nasal delivery technology I'd ask for would be half an ounce of Bolivia's finest to dull the pain. Hope they Pine-O-Cleaned the keys after the show - eeew.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards and a box of Kleenex. Gaaaarn.

Simone Warne

Derrr woman, have you heard the one about leopards and their spots?

I call 'bullshit' - it's just another quick and easy $100,000 from New Idea & Woman's Day for more tawdry details (sorry, 'Exclusive') of your useless life bringing up Warnie's bogan kids. Woop-de-do.




Tankard Rating: Three 'Told Ya So' Glass Tankards.

Guest Glassing: Hillsong Church

Money. Political Influence. Catchy Tunes.

These things do not a church make.

If you want personal development and that shiny new BMW in the driveway, get some Anthony Robbins tickets you sanctimonious cunts. And stop sucking in the weak-willed sheep that can't think for themselves. If there is a God, he'd most likely prefer you to be out there feeding the poor on the streets, or helping the fucking needy. You know, like Jesus did. Not bothering Him with all that cheesy music and special effects and building multi-million dollar venues in His name.

Glass Rating: Ten Items of Various Glassware

Arrrrrr.

Fawlty Towers Theme Restaurants

FFS.






Tankard Rating: Six Tankards
and an unconvincing Basil.

Manuel

Incompetent dago.





Tankard Rating: Four Glass-Bottomed Tankards
(Don't mention the war) Gaarn.

USB Ports

Some say things happen in threes. This week I've had three run-ins of the PC nature, and all three have been due to USB dramas.

1) Reception girl's PC wouldn't boot Thursday morning, was working fine Wednesday afternoon. Following much farting about, got it to boot with no mouse pointer. Unplugged USB mouse, plugged it into the port next to it and presto - happy PC.

2) Mrs Poopey invests in her first iPod Thursday night. Got home, loaded iTunes and ripped her favourite CD. Plugged in the iPod and ta-dah! Instant black screen, multiple re-boots. Rooted around with the USB hub manager (reloaded drivers). Happy iPod.

3) Captain Poopey has moved 55GB worth of iTunes library to his shiny new PC. Poopey dreads connecting his iPod to new machine for the first time Saturday night. iTunes loads 20 songs and automatically disconnects the iPod. Vista gives happy warning about corrupted iPod disk drive. Poopey formats iPod and plugs it back in to shiny new PC. Shiny new PC blackscreens and makes Poopey sad. Poopey plugs USB connecter into different port and magically has happy PC/iPod.

What the fuck man? Why isn't a USB port the same as another USB port? Screw you Bill Gates.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards
and a glass of port to calm the nerves.
Aaaarrr.

Hoyts' Popcorn / Drink Combo

$10.50 for this? What, is it special popcorn or something?

Screw you Hoyts.

Call me old fashioned, but where does the concept of concession come in when you're at the 'concession stand'? Rubbery old popcorn teamed up with an overfilled and sticky litre container of awful syrupy post-mix for the princely sum of $10+. I'll keep smuggling in my own crap thanks.


Tankard Rating: Four Tudor Tankards that were
created sometime around the time my local cinema
was last redecorated.

Shannon Noll

Get loud?

Get fucked.

Stop releasing cds, they're fucking awful.




Tankard Rating:
Ten Items of Mixed Glassware (and a trachiotomy)

Elton John's 'Philadelphia Freedom'

Possibly the worst song about liberating cheese ever.












Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards made from
one single pair of Elton's 70's specs.

World Youth Day 2008 Organisers

The tykes are all in a lather today as the preordained (religious gag - I'm on fire) location for their fun 'World Youth Day' may be under threat, strangely enough due to the recent horse influenza outbreak here. Anyone who knows Sydney will immediately understand putting 500,000 people into Randwick Racecourse would cause a fucking shitfight for anyone else who lives in the area.



Just to point out the bleeding obvious, there's this fucking great big white elephant out at Homebush that just might fit that many people. Wakey wakey people. Duh.




Tankard Rating: One German Wine Tankard.

The Power of Christ Compells You.

The Kia Pregio

Korea makes some of the world's ugliest and blandest cars, but recently when I spied one of these delightful Kia vans parked out front of work I couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor tradie who was driving it. Admittantly, it's probably difficult to design a halfway decent looking workvan. But for Dog's sake, adding insult to injury by naming it 'Pregio' is just uncalled for. Is it meant to be a subliminal cue for a potential buyer who's looking for stacks of internal space (-it's pregnant-)? Bugger me, it's ghey sounding isn't it? Told you I picked a bad week to give up quaaludes.

Poopey's suggestions for a much blokier sounding Kia workvan:

1) The Kia Scrotey
2) The Kia HardOn
3) The Kia Nugget
4) The Kia Shaggfest
5) The Kia VB

All suggestions welcome.

Tankard Rating: One Wooden Tankard.

Garn.

Guest Glassing: Greg Chappell

That's a mulligrubber ya brother's bowling ya bastard.

Seems there's still many folk upset about this, so TISH!

Mind you, I've taken one tankard off the rating for your awesome Doug Parkinson spider-mo.

Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards - One for each Chappell Brother.

"Maaaaaahvellous effort that"

RailCorp Employing Foreign Managers

While you're trying to find a seat on a near-to-timetable (+/- 10 minutes) peakhour train consider this:

RailCorp have spent $750,000 attracting foreigners to come and run this joke of a rail network. Can you see any immediate benefits to your sluggish overcrowded commute back to outer suburbia? Thought not, that's why you'd rather spend $150 a week on fuel and tollways isn't it?

These cunts also have had $45,000 worth of 'relocation consultants' to help with their move here, plus $54,000 worth of school fees paid for by us for their children.

Would it so hard to find incompetent Aussie bosses? Methinks it not the case.



Here's Four Steel Tankards made from the recycled remains of one of the 30 year old silver trains you're still running 10 years past their touted 'replacement date'.

Chris Crocker

Could be the gheyest gheylord of all time.

Alright, I'll take back everything I said about Britney in that previous post sweety, for God's sake just shut the fuck up and get back to building your float.

P.S. - Nice eyeliner. Oh. and why are you hiding under the covers? Mummy must get upset when she hears you cry.




Tankard Rating: Six Highly Polished Mardi Gras Tankards.

Hello sailor!

Matthew Newton

You, sir, are a cunt.

Just because you've been picked on for being 'Son Of Moonface' all your life doesn't give you any reason to hit the very hittable Brooke Satchwell. You know what I mean.





She's dishy.






You ought to consider yourself lucky that you weasled your way out spending time with Bubba. I've heard an impacted anus can really ruin your day.

Tankard Rating: 10 Assorted Tankards directly applied to that crappy bumfluff.

Hahaaarrrr!

Rebel Sport / Nike

$139.00 for a pair of Nike cross-trainers?

Get fucked.

How much was the nine-year-old in the sweatshop paid?

There's about $10 worth of moulded plastic and glue involved, and I don't care about Nike' design/setup costs - it's planned obsolescence so deal with it you greedy bastards.


Here's Five Leather Tankards which don't
need to be redesigned every three months - Garn!

Parents Who Have Kids With Mullets

Mrs. Poopey & I spent last weekend down the south coast of NSW, doing our bit for society and getting the hell out of Sydney for APEC (garn). In the course of out travails I'm sure I saw at least four kids with mullets (as pictured). Their parents should be shot, I don't care if they are still bootscootin'. Yee-haw!


Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards and a
case of premixed Jim Bean & Cola cans.

Squirrels Dressed As Michael Jackson

"Eee-hee, Shamon-ah! Wooooo-oooo! Ahh!"


Actually I'm not sure if it's a squirrel or a chipmunk. Would it even matter? I picked a bad week to give up glue sniffing.



Tankard Rating: Three Glass Tankards and a "Blanket". Shamon-ah.

Housing Commission Tenants with Foxtel

Mrs. Poopey spends most of her workdays driving around 'The Shire' (where all the hobbits live) and delights in pointing out for me where all the 'house-o' flats and homes are. Most of them have Foxtel, and I don't, which shits me no end because I have to work for a living and can't spend all day on the couch pulling bongs and watching whatever crap is being repeated on Comedy Channel for the eighteenth time. Do they get some special rate? I'm fucked if I can budget a lazy $80 a month for the basic subscription. Perhaps it's better that way.

Tankard Rating: Five Leather Tankards and a 5" length of garden hose.

Britney Spears' "Comeback"

Pretty much all that you had going for you was that you were very hittable, what three or four years ago? Having kids was a great career move...

Somewhere someone is writing a book that explains why you're the perfect embodiment of everything that's wrong with America in these morally bankrupt times. No talent, can't sing, can't dance - superfluous to requirements but inexplicably always in the news. Just take your white trash kids and fuck right off, they're going to see photos of you when they grow up and wonder why their mum is always dressed like a two-dollar whore. You're an embarrassment - sort yourself out.

Tankard Rating: Nine Pewter Tankards. -"Hit Me Baby Nine More Times"- Haaar!

The Eleventh of September

It's that day again, and, not to be too twee about the overall significance of what happened six years ago, let me just vent about what really shits me about today's date.

1) It's not 'nine eleven' you lazy bastards - are you too busy to say 'the eleventh of September'? It's bad enough that you drive on the wrong side of the road, stop mangling how things are dated (that sounds rude doesn't it?)

2) Paranoid twits who avoid air travel/U.S. embassies/eating pork/driving through Lakemba today. See? Nothing blew up today did it you fuckwit?

3) The History Channel has no programmes about Hitler/The Third Reich today.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards, that's one for each hijacked aircraft. Durka - Durka.

Helen Clark's Orthodontist

Aaaarrrrrrrrgh!

Tankard Rating: Six Well-Aligned Tankards.

Capt'ns R & R

Ol' Poopey has some shore leave saved up and will be back with you crazy funsters in a few days. Thanks for the support and the offers of free parrots, have a good weekend ya bastards! Garrrn!!

That 'Thrush' Commercial

You know the one, you're right in the middle of dinner and that batty pharmacist-looking woman comes on and says the word 'thrush' a lot. Worse still, as you're trying not to dry-retch at the thought of 'woman's problems', you're also doing your best not to piss yourself at the way she says the damned word - "th-rush" with a weird upward inflection and rolling her tongue.

It's fucked up. Get off my telly woman!



Tankard Rating: Six Pewter Tankards on a 'thrush' background. Erk.

The Martians from 'The War Of The Worlds'

"The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one, he said". The chances of the Martians having some sort of quarantine proceedure in place before landing on an alien planet must have been one million and two to one, I'd say.

You silly, silly bastards.


Tankard Rating: One 'Borg Invasion' Tankard

Sir MixaLot's Video for 'Put 'em On The Glass'

On behalf of all video directors everywhere, thanks a lot 'mixalot' (if that is your real name sir). Once this rapping Knight of the Realm dropped the greatest music video recorded, like, ever - it was game over for any budding video directors. Where could they go after this? Downhill my friends, only downhill.

Put 'Em On The Glass Rating:

Two Bottle of 'Boobie' Beer - yum.

Everyone Involved in APEC 2007

Rant starts here:

I'd just like to know, what's in it for the little guy?

$250 million spent on security alone, and let's not mention the taxpayers' money going towards the dignitaries and their entourage' transport, entertainment and accommodation.

So much could be done with this money, I'd like to see some of it spent helping the homeless or giving the mental ill roaming Sydney's streets somewhere to live. Maybe see it blown on underfunded hospitals or our crumbling infrastructure and second-world public transport. Who the fuck are our governments looking out for anyway? It's not us average Joes is it?

The Rodent was in the papers today quoted as saying that anything agreed on during the summit would not necessarily be expected to be adhered to. Sounds like some more non-core promises coming our way huh? Take your carbon emission initiatives and shove them up your arse.

If I was Walter Burley Griffin I'd be rolling in my grave - he's the guy who designed Canberra you know. That's where these sorts of political gatherings are meant to happen in Australia, but apart from easily obtained porn and fireworks there's not much to get people in down Canberra way is there? Oh, I forgot 'Floriade' (hmm). One would have thought that such a large wankfest would have naturally gravitated towards Australia's largest collection of pr0n...

Whatever. (end of rant)


Tankard Rating: One Fuck-off Atomic Tankard for the lot of 'em. Walk the plank ya bastards!

The name 'Cockburn'

Perhaps one of the most classic cases of denial in history (and I'm obviously a trained psychologist... ahem). The primary symptom of which is the unthinking pronunciation by the patient bearing said name as Co-burn. C'mon people, let's get past all this hocum and just embrace reality. It's COCK-BURN. Say it with me now... That's better isn't it?

Mrs. Poopey & I have tried using variations of Co-??? whilst driving around town, in place of expletives such as 'fuckface'. For example, when cut off by a leb in his fully sick Nissan 200SX, I'll turn to my bethrothed and say, "my my sweety, what a Co-sucker". Smiles all round. See how many "Co's" you can come up with - happy times.

Tankard Rating: Four Glass Tankards & some chafing creme.

50% of Demonstrators at APEC this week

This is for the fifty per cent of kids who head downtown this week for some biffo and bad street theatre, and not having any tangible idea as to why they're actually there.


Hypocritical Poopey say APEC can get fucked, but is happy for getting Friday off work - hurrah.





Tankard Rating: Four Glass 'Fender Guitar Anniversary Tankards' - let's rock'n'roll kids!

Gimp Mobiles

This looks like fun...




Here's Four Glass Tankards you weirdos - Tish!