Britney Spears' Australian fans

Britney can't sing, she can't produce a decent vocal even within the perfect environs of a recording studio running the world's most advanced version of ProTools. She sure as dammit couldn't sing on stage while shuffling awkwardly back and forth (some call it choreography) as it would involve having to concentrate on, god forbid, two things at once. And recovering from all that shuffling involves lots of heavy breathing no pretend stage mic could ever compensate for. Which is why this sorry excuse for entertainment is mostly lip-synced - and there are no video screens for the people in the cheap seats out back of the venue so that no-one can see how woeful the lip-syncing must be.

And Britney fans in Australia walked out demanding refunds for their hard-earned dosh? What in the living fuck did they expect? What a bunch of retarded dickheads, they deserve each other. You buy a ticket to a show to witness a living car-crash first hand and expect musical competency? Get fucked. You would have had the exact same experience for $20 at any Oxford Street drag revue.

This post was originally going to be titled 'Britney's Post-Baby Tits' but things went astray.

Tankard rating: Four Fender Tankards

Get some rock up ya! Gnaaaaaaaaaar!!

Dodgey karaoke bars

You just never know exactly where that mic's been... just ask MC Farthole.

Tankard rating: Three SingStar Tankards

Don't forget the sanitary wipes now. Gaarn.

Bert Newton

Due to popular demand, it's time to get stuck into Bert Newton.

If you could describe playing second banana to some of the greats of Australian television a 'career' then Bert has made a nice little career for himself over the past fifty years - even managing to outlive all other 'competition' to find himself with his own shitful autopromped list programme '20 to 1'. As if making people suffer all of those infomercials with Moira during his 'GMA' tenure wasn't bad enough... To be fair he probably needs the work to finance upkeep on that dead badger stapled to his bonce.

It's also a little-known fact that NASA had planned to use Bert's face in 1969 for the Apollo 11 laser experiment in which the astronauts planted a large reflective object on the surface which scientists on Earth could bounce a 'laser' off of to measure the distance between the two planetary bodies. Due to Bert's commitments playing second banana to Ernie Sigley on a ripsnorting tour of suburban RSLs at the time, NASA's request for Bert's services was regretfully denied and Buzz Aldrin ended up installing a 24" square mirror which was almost as reflectually efficient. Thankfully the public at the time who were all excited about Bert's sudden scientific relevance kept on using his new nickname of 'Moonface'.

I wonder if his boy Matthew is so angry all the time because he's worried he's gonna look like this one day? :




Hubba hubba!










Tankard rating: 11 glass tankards

Larger target area = more tankards.

Sarah Blasko

The most boring thing I saw on Rage this weekend, and perhaps the very antithesis of 'Rage' whilst simultaneously and ironically increasing my personal level of it. I dare anyone to sit through her filmclip without reaching for the remote and/or crackpipe.



Tankard rating: Four 'Indie Tryhard' Tankards

Fuck you Triple J. Gaaarn.

Disappointing offspring

"Where did we go wrong Pa?" thinks Ma to herself...

"Don't look at me", thinks Pa, "you shouldn't have shagged the milkman while I was down workin' at the Jack Daniels distillery filterin' that tasty whiskey with my filthy beard..."

Ah, lament. It's that warm fuzzy feeling when you realise that life is a long series of disappointments.

Tankard rating: Three Cointreau Ball tankards

and Kylie Minogue's entire back catalogue. Gnaaar.

The Heene Family

Famewhores, all of them. Not to mention crap actors.

Tankard rating: Six helium tankards

Two ways to get high all rolled into one - gaarn.

Everyone in this photo

Shaving your mate's balls? Use Mach II - the shaver nine out of ten ball shavers use.

Glass rating: Three Ball-Shaver of the Year Awards

Whatever you do, don't sneeze. Gaarn.

Greg Norman

What a fucken tool.

Tankard rating: Three 'can't we still be friends?' tankards.

Silly silly man. Gaarn.