Friday, July 3, 2009

Jason Jackson

























Corym has been way ahead of the curve and sent me this screencaps (yes, he has the technology) of this sad little weirdo who now stands to make a buttload of cash impersonating a dead peado.

Says Jason in today's paper, "I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this - to make people happy. I have a message to give, the same as Michael."

And I'd heard that Farrah Fawcett's dying wish was that all the children in the world would be safe from molestation... hmm.

Glass rating: Four tankards (Jesus juice optional)

Isn't life strange? Sh'mon. Gnaar.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Last night's Oz Lotto draw









Thanks to Channel 7 last night I had to sit through twenty minutes of 'Packed to the Rafters' in order to find out I didn't have the right Lotto numbers which resulted in a high-range level of unhappiness. And now I'm not sure if it was the lack of a fat Lotto win or having endured that awful 'hit' show that's made me so cooney. In a nutshell: Fuck you Channel 7.

Tankard rating: Four glass tankards

I took one off because Sonia Kruger gave me a semi. Gaarn.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The media being nice to a dead Michael Jackson














Gordon has his finger on the pulse. Ok, that may be a poor choice of words taste wise but hey. So now the Wacko One is dead and bugger me sideways (again, sorry) if the media is now fawning over the 'genius' that was Michael Jackson. You know, the same people who, if asked the day previous to his death exactly what sprang to mind at the mention of his name, most probably would have dismissively said 'kiddy fiddler' straight away.

Anyone with even a modicum of compassion flowing in their veins (sorry, really) may have viewed the strange story of MJ's life as having been a completely FUBAR situation, with many of the unsavory traits he developed perhaps originating from his father's beatings, lack of a real childhood, insane level of stress, and a general separation from normality as most of us mere mortals know it.

If only from a musical point of view, those labelling him a genius would have to admit that he hadn't made a decent album in over twenty years, with each new release since 'Thriller' ever more expensive and taking longer to make yet never progressing stylistly. He had become stuck in some sort of time warp where the choreography had become the most important thing anyway. Hardly the work of genius.

Still, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh. If it weren't for the parasites surrounding him that were undoubtably riding the gravy train and living off of his fortune, pandering to his every desire and never once saying 'no' or pointing out to him that perhaps doing this thing or that thing might be frowned upon by the general public, or bad for his wellbeing, Jacko just might have turned his life around and made amends one day. In some ways it's amazing he made it to 50 without topping himself. At least now he can get some peace. And the fans still have Justin Timberlake if they want to reminisce...

Glass rating: Five glass-studded gloves

Heee-heeee! Shamon!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sexual harassment at work

















Can anyone tell me what is wrong with the above scenario?

Yes, that's right. Mr Elephant is making unwanted advances upon Ms. Elephant in the workplace. And that's frowned upon, even in Pakistan.

So, boys and girls, please remember: "I will not attempt doggy style at work, even if the opportunity presents itself in the dark confines of the stationery cupboard and my secretary was practically begging for it, honestly. Your honour."


Glass rating: Two glasses of Casa el Cheapo

Only six months to the next office Christmas party...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

D.I.Y. Facelifts






















I know there's a recession on (so they keep saying) but this little penny-pinching gem isn't going to save you on botox sweety.


Tankard rating: Two superficial tankards

I've got some bukkake facial scrub if required (gaarn).

Friday, June 19, 2009

Men in Leather Bikini Bottoms






















If one had to hazard a guess, one would assume these leather bikini bottoms would be a tad pungent. Love the muttonchops though, keep up the good work.


Tankard rating: Five 'I like a cow in tight leather' leather tankards.

Chafing creme recommended.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

This hairstyle















I bet she was in the beauty parlour the entire day too. Hasn't improved things at all really.

Tankard rating: Three 'House de Beutay' tankards

One extra for the hairdresser - gaarn.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Snuggies blanket





















It's what? A blanket with arms sewn on? How much? Only three easy payments of $19.95 each? And now the whole family can look like (insert one) cult members/The Polyphonic Spree/The Emperor's Imperial Guards/a complete tool while saving those big bucks on heating bills. Fucking awesome! I'll take four!!

Kudos to the manufacturers who were overstocked when the KKK cancelled their last order of uniforms. I hope they get some kind of marketing award.


Tankard rating: Five Demtel leather tankards

Call now and get a bonus booklight free! Gaarn.