Feng Shui

We have an old broom out front of Chez Poopey which I use to sweep up the leaves and crap that magically appears on the verandah. I just leave it there in the corner out of the way when not in use, no big deal. However, several times over the past few weeks when I've gone to grab it I've noticed that it's been put there with the handle end down on the floor, bristles up against the wall.

"WFT?", I casually asked Mrs. Poopey, to which she replied, "it's bad Feng Shui to leave a broom with the brush down on the floor." And she said this with a straight face, completely seriously. Mrs Poopey has a university degree. Your fun-loving Captain does not, which is why he has not been clever enough to pick up on Mrs Poopey's bizarre Feng Shui superstitious ju-ju beliefs during our sixteen years of (allegedly) knowing each other.

Furthermore, I'm now aware that our Chinese neighbours have a small mirror hanging outside their side entry door which points at Chez Poopey, and this is reflecting bad luck away from their house to head over our way! Cunts!!

What a crock of shit - they got broken into this year and we didn't. Ha! In your face Feng Shui!!

Tankard rating: Four carefully arranged mystical tankards

Tish! What da fruck was dat? Tish!! (garrn)

Geoffrey Edelsten

Let's for a moment forget about Geoffrey's minor indiscretions from the dim dark past, such as but not limited to:

a) Owning the gayest (sorry 'most flamboyant') chain of medical centres ever
b) Promoting the career of a boofhead with the tightest footy shorts ever
c) Being struck off the NSW medical register for overservicing patients and employing untrained 'laser' surgeons
d) Being convicted of perverting the course of justice for soliciting Christopher Flannery to assault a former patient

Even if Geoffrey Edelsten was a top bloke in real life, nothing can excuse that Grecian 2000 hair transplant and his rent-a-friend wedding to that awful gold digging bint he's probably scoffing ten Viagra to attempt re-entry upon but failing miserably. If only all that money could buy some dignity...

Tankard rating: One atomic tankard

And if we could get Fran Drescher and Jason Alexander within the blast radius I'd be even happier - gaaaaaaaaarn.

Being 'Funky' in the 80's

I remember when looking your best in the 80's and having any hope of scoring some happy time with a lady involved mucho hair gel and some double denim. Even an iron-on patch of your favourite band on the back of your denim jacket was considered 'au courant' for a time, but thankfully times have changed. And for god's sake please don't mention acid wash. It must only be a matter of days until this comes back, we've had most of the 80's make a fearful return in the past few years. What's next? Hypercolour t-shirts? Actually I wouldn't mind one of those...

Tankard rating: Four 'Relax' tankards

Do you really want to hurt me? Well, yes actually. Gnaaar.

People who smack their car doors into the PoopMobile

I fucking hate the couldn'tgiveafuck type of people who just throw open their car door and leave these pissy and annoying dings in the otherwise pristine PoopMobile. If I had my way I'd have them strapped into some sort of stockade device and smack a car door into their spastic faces over and over until such a time as I couldn't stop cackling maniacally at the pulpy mess. Crucifixion's too good for these cunts.

Tankard rating: Lots of angry tankards

I'm more cooney than a block of cheese - gaaarn.

Pensioners who won't get out of my way

The time: yesterday

The place: Franklins supermarket Hurstville

The glassable offence: Thinking the best place to stop and have an in depth chinwag about their grandkids/the weather/the price of Whiskas is the main automatic door where me and the other recently fleeced shoppers are trying desperately to make good an escape from screaming kids not getting what they want and the mind-numbing muzac (Savage Garden - woot!). With the greatest of respect you silly old biddies, get the fuck out of my way!! Grrrrrrr.


Tankard rating: Five tanned-hide tankards

Get on your Gofers and go!

Australian Senators Who Aren't Nick Xenophon

I'm really starting to take a shine to this guy, first of all for sticking it to Rudd over stimulus wastage and now this week for sticking it to those crazy fucking Scientologists (hail Lord Xenu!)

Ballsy move Nick - keep up the good work man. I wonder what any of the other Upper House members would have had to say if they'd bothered to make an appearance?

Tankard rating: Three Star Trek tankards

Hail Lord Xenophon!!

Fashion over Function

Like, durrr.

Tankard rating: Three 'going blind' tankards

Next time, Hammer pants! Gaarn.

Chafed nipples

I once rode a pushbike for six hours around Lake Macquarie up near Newcastle many years ago, and the next day was suffering from a nasty case of chafed nipples. Looks like the sports fan pictured above might be in the same boat. It's embarassing when it strikes without warning, I'll tell you.

Tankard rating: Three lanolin tankards

Be still my burning nipples! Gnaar.